Susan Roane, author of the best-selling book How To Work A Room advises how a person should never not follow-up with a person they meet, because if you don’t that person will become a one night stand.  Although this may be a corny analogy, the truth is no one likes to be a one night stand, personally or professionally.

Networking etiquette and success is in the connections made long after the event is forgotten.

Ask yourself:  How well do I follow up and stay in touch with the new people I meet?  Most people agree this is where they drop the ball.  It’s fun to meet and greet new people, but then what?  The cards get placed in a box or tossed?  What steps should be taken to ensure networking success?

Before the event:

Develop a contact management system (CMS).  It doesn’t matter whether you are a student, stay-at-home Mom or Dad, or a business professional of any kind, or level.  Everyone should have a system by which to keep all contacts of people they meet.  This can be as simple as an alphabetized card filing case, Excel spreadsheet, or a dedicated software program.  What matters is you have a system that works for you in being able to find someone when you want.

During the event:
Spend time with the person you are meeting to a point you’ll be able to remember the person at a future time.  Learn to pronounce their name correctly, ask for and equally provide information about yourself to begin the journey of building a friendship.  Learn about things you have in common which is the basis of all friendships.  I network primarily to build new friendships and to renew former ones.  You’ll be amazed at what great and unexpected bonuses come from just being friends.

Soon after the event:
When you get home, be sure to write the date and location, event, or occasion at which you met on the back of each card and include all information learned from the person for future reference.  Enter the person in your CMS and send the person an email and/or a handwritten note by regular mail.  What can I say? The most memorable messages I receive are those from people who take the time to send me a handwritten note.  I definitely make a note of this in my system.  A note need not be fancy or lengthy, just a few simple sentences will do:  Dear Syndi Seid:  I thoroughly enjoyed meeting you at the Chamber event Tuesday evening.  I look forward to more opportunities for us to continue getting better acquainted.  Please don’t hesitate to call me if I can be of any help to you.  I’d enjoy hearing from you.  All the best, Jane Doe.  P.S. Attached is our brochure for you to learn more about our business.   When being in contact after the event, it should be done as soon as possible—ideally within a week, before too much time passes.

Other follow-up ideas include sending the person an article of interest, a lead or referral, or an email with a helpful resource. Invite the person to meet for coffee, for a telephone meeting, to meet up at another networking event.  There are infinite ways to continue building the relationship.

Staying in touch:
Develop a plan by which you will stay in contact with the people you meet over time.  A monthly newsletter like ours is an excellent way to stay in touch with folks.  A nicely formatted social media page is yet another good way to stay in touch, inviting folks to join your LinkedIn or Facebook group.  Organize your contacts into various groups, such as by geography, industry, potential clients/employers, personal friends who like wine, traveling, vendors and suppliers, etc.  When something arises in a particular category you’ll be able to share the information with that special group of contacts.  Beyond this the universe and the laws of attraction will come into play… I guarantee it!

Here are two true stories to help illustrate these principles:

Story 1:  I met a woman named Jane at a networking event where she happened to mention she was born under the astrological sign of Aries… which I then made a note in my database.  A few years later a friend was organizing an Aries party and wanted names of people born under this sign.  I looked in my database and pulled up several names.  Among them was Jane, whom I hadn’t seen in years.  We invited her and received a most joyous reply about being remembered and invited.  We reconnected at the party, where I learned she was now employed in the HR department of a major company and was thinking about calling me for a possible workshop.  The end result was two months later I was able to be of service to Jane and her company.  I had no thought of inviting her to this party for any business gain; yet this is a great example of what networking is all about and what they call the Law of Business Attraction*.  Similar situations have happened where I hear about people receiving major leads and referrals as a result of seeing folks at parties.  *Email me for details on how you can receive a copy of my #1 Best Seller book, The Law of Business Attraction, Secrets to Cooperative Success, at a special discount—just for readers of this blog—where 20+ authors, including myself, tell our stories about how they have attracted business in ways most unexpected.  My chapter is on “Party your way to Success.”

Story 2:  I know a college student named Will who at his school’s career day event met a CEO of a major corporation, Mr. Smith.  This company was Will’s #1 choice at which he wanted to work when he graduated and told Mr. Smith exactly that.  Mr. Smith reply was, Great! let me hear from you when you graduate and we’ll see what we can do to find you a position.  Graduation was over a year away.  Will knew he had to stay in touch to be remembered, so he immediately followed up with Mr. Smith by sending him a handwritten note, sent by regular mail, thanking him for the great chat and mentioned that if there was ever an internship available (paid or unpaid) he was most interested and enclosed his resume.  Next, at the end of that year, Will sent Mr. Smith a personalized holiday card with a brief update on his studies.  Finally, when Will graduated in May of the following year, he wrote Mr. Smith to say he was ready for full-time employment.  Because Mr. Smith was kept informed of Will’s progress in school and was already impressed with Will for staying in touch, Mr. Smith’s personally referred Will to the HR department.  The HR department thinking Will was someone special for the CEO to have recommended him, HR knew they had to find Will a position right away.  Will achieved his goal of being employed by his dream company, due to his systematic approach to staying in touch.

Conclusion:

The days of attending events and winning the contest for the most cards collected in an evening are long past.  Today’s trend is to attend networking events to meet only a hand-full of new people with whom you will follow-up and follow-through to stay in touch.

Remember, networking is not about how much you can get from the other person.  It’s about what you can do for the other person in the spirit of friendship that will naturally be returned in kind.  By helping others, they will truly want to help you in return.

Happy Networking!

When was the last time—if ever—you flew a kite? Take time this month to enjoy a timeless activity with family and friends of any age. These eight  guidelines will make it more enjoyable for you and others.

1.  Learn how it works before venturing out. Flying a kite requires responsibility. It’s just like taking golf lessons when you get your first set of clubs. Here’s how to get started: “How to Fly a Kite

2.  Be aware of your surroundings. Many sports kites can fly as fast as 100 miles an hour and cause great harm. If you choose to fly this kind of kite, never dive or swoop over the heads of nearby people or animals, or over buildings.

3.  Understand who’s in control. It won’t be you. Unpredictable wind gusts or a broken kite will cause your kite to fly out of your control. If this happens, yell to warn anyone in potential danger.

4.  Stay away from other kite flyers. Keep your hands, feet, children, and pets off other people’s kites, lines, and other equipment.

5.  Keep lines separate. Do not fly your kite close enough to collide, tangle with, or cut other people’s kite lines. Even if you’d like to do so in fun, it’s not funny.

6.  Know your place. Keep away from areas where advanced or professionals fly their kites. Plenty of other grassy fields and beach exist for a hobbyist.

7.  Pick up your mess. Clean up any debris resulting from kite flying or eating.

8.  Have fun!

Question:  What other items do you have to add to this list?  Do let us hear from you by locating this article at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/blog.  You may also reach us at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com.  If you enjoyed this article and want more, subscribe to our “Etiquette Tip of the Month” newsletter—at no charge—filled with great monthly tips on all sorts of topics from international business and social etiquette and protocol to everyday life subjects.  It will be great to have you as a member of our happy family of subscribers at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/subscribe.

Happy Practicing!

I came up with eight observations on where words such as politeness, courtesy, respect, consideration, goodness, civility have gone—along with all other words describing appropriate behavior—and how necessary these are in our daily lives.  All require a little homework.

Perhaps you will think some of what I have to written is provocative and you will have thoughts of your own to share. Please see the bottom of this newsletter for details on how you can share your thoughts with others and me on this most important subject (Advanced Etiquette Blog).

1. We live in a world of ever-growing diversity. 
Result: We live among strangers . 
No longer do we live in neighborhoods where everyone knows one-another, or work in congenial work environments where people contribute to each others’ well-being and respect each other. 
Homework: Introduce yourself to your neighbors and co-workers. Get to know them better. You will no longer be strangers, and you will build your own community of friends in your neighborhood and workplace.

2. We are led to believe anything goes, anything is possible, and we are free to be whomever we want. 
Result: We look out for Number 1 and live in a world of selfishness. 
With this attitude, we may not care who we hurt and who we step on to get what we want. Courtesy, consideration, politeness, and civility cannot be shown only when convenient and aligned with our ultimate goals and plans. 
Homework: Remind yourself of the golden and platinum rules: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you; and Do unto others as they would like to be treated.

3      We believe more is better. 
Result: We spend more time under stress. 
Today it is harder to be content with who we are and what we have. We are expected to make more money, have more possessions, acquire bigger houses, and set strategic goals for greater power and position. 
Homework: Think about what is really important in your life. One way may be to write in your calendar specific dates and times to spend time with your spouse, children, family, and friends. Block out vacation time and personal time, too, and never postpone or cancel these appointments. Treat everyone as though they were your most valued clients—including yourself.

4. Many people don’t know how to play the game. 
Result: We live in a world of “lost identity.” 
Many kids and adults are unaware of how to behave in certain situations. We have fewer role models about whom a we can say, “I want to be just like him or her when I grow up.”
Homework: Build your own identity of good behavior. 1. Make a written list of all the good qualities you would like to possess. 2. Compare this list against the best characteristics of one or more people you admire in life. 3. Watch and analyze how you and your ideal are examples for how to handle various situations in a positive and good manner.

5. We live in a world where there is a greater lack of self-esteem and self-confidence, in both young people and adults. 
Result: We see increased rates in negative behavior, such as violence, rage, murders, suicides, and other behaviors. 
We do not practice the skills that help us develop as good human beings. It is important for young people and adults to have the guidance and coaching on how to display good reasoning skills and respect for others when in a conflict situation. 
Homework: Think within yourself the next time you are confronted with a situation that makes your blood boil. Be sensitive to how you act and how it affects others in a positive or negative, productive or non-productive way.

6. We have access to fewer role-models, figureheads, wise elders, and teachers. 
Result: We do not have guidance on how to develop and act. 
Homework: Write down the qualities you admire in a friend, family member, or co-worker. These will become part of what I call “The Civility P.L.E.D.G.E.”©*, where you make an active choice to develop those qualities in yourself.  (*= People Leading Everyone to Do Good Everywhere)

7. Parents have trouble handling the complexities of parenting in the 21st century. Result: Parents always do the best they can. Yet in today’s complex world, sometimes the best is still not enough. Many kids are still not receiving proper instruction, mentoring, and tutoring in the many aspects of life, such as respecting and displaying courtesy and politeness to others, and table manners. Homework: If you are a parent or a teacher—the two most crucial influences in child development—by default. Take time to talk and spend time with your child/teen regularly.

8. People require and expect less from others. 
Result: People do their own thing and are not expected to do much of anything. 
Every home and business environment have their own inherent guidelines to appropriate behavior, yet much is not reinforced in our daily lives.
Homework: Be an example first. Teach our children and reinforce good behaviors in all we do. Do not have an attitude of “Do as I say, not as I do.”

Conclusion: It all starts with you and me. On any given day, we cannot be responsible for everyone’s actions. We can only take responsibility for our own actions. Set a good example. Take the time and care to mentor, coach, and tutor those who are your responsibility, including children, students, and staff members under your care.

Question:  What other items do you have to add to this list?  Do let us hear from you by locating this article at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/blog.  You may also reach us at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com.  If you enjoyed this article and want more, subscribe to our “Etiquette Tip of the Month” newsletter—at no charge—filled with great monthly tips on all sorts of topics from international business and social etiquette and protocol to everyday life subjects.  It will be great to have you as a member of our happy family of subscribers at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/subscribe.

Happy Practicing

Soon a woman joined the man’s table and began the conversation by saying, “Oh, isn’t this ratatouille delicious?” The man agreed with much enthusiasm, as he continued to stuff his face. The woman then added, “I especially like the eggplant.

Suddenly, the man came to a screeching halt to ask, “Eggplant, where’s the eggplant?” The woman replied politely, “Oh, they are the little white squares with the purple skin.” The man ceased all further eating and said, “Oh, I hate eggplant!” And with that, he pushed his plate away and didn’t eat another bite of that delicious dish.

Now, I ask you, does that make sense? Ron certainly didn’t think so, which is why he came home to tell me all about it.

We all have preconceived notions about what we like and don’t like. A regular question I get in my seminars is, “What should I do if I’m served something I don’t like? Do I have to eat it?

Think back to a time you were three, four, and five years old. Do you remember a food that made you scream to high heaven that you would never eat again in your entire life because you hated it so much?

For me it was canned peas. I gagged and choked on every bite my parents forced me to eat. I warned them I would die if forced to eat another pea. Then years later I tried fresh peas and peas from a frozen package. I discovered peas weren’t so bad. In fact, I now count peas among my favorite vegetables. I still avoid canned peas, however.

Etiquette dictates you must taste at least one bite of all foods served to you. To do otherwise would be rude, particularly if you are a guest at someone else’s table. Don’t insult your host further by saying you don’t like it or by drawing attention to the situation.

Keep an open mind and try bites of all foods you are served. Unless the food item is against your religion, you are allergic to it, or it’s poisonous. Try it… you may like it!

It is said that, prior to the age of seven, children develop eating habits for life. If you are a parent, get beyond your own food preferences. Encourage your children to try new and different foods. Even if at first you must “make” your child taste something, I promise, over time your child will develop a palate more accepting of new and different foods.

As a bonus, your child will also learn to have more awareness of the many cultures in which foods were created. In our global economy, native and foreign food items and other products reach us wherever we are. We must keep an open mind towards them. And as it becomes easier to travel the world, those who embrace, adapt to, and enjoy the cuisines of the world will become the true cosmopolitans of the 21st century.

Besides, when dining with others for business or social reasons, isn’t it always all about whether you like the food and are willing to eat it?… NOT!  Your focus should be on the friendship and rapport you are building with your friends, family, or business associates.

Happy Practicing!

1.     People will care about you if you care about them. I hear this comment all the time: Why should I care about my boss, co-worker, sibling, relative, or friend, when she or he doesn’t seem to care about me? What other people do or say to you has nothing to do with what you do or say unto them! This is not, as the Bible suggests, an eye for an eye. Don’t lower yourself. Treat everyone with the same level of courtesy, kindness, honesty, respect, and consideration.

2.     Be clear about your brand and make decisions based on it. When planning my etiquette brand, I consciously thought about the kinds of people I like to hang out with: People who are fun, yet are equally nice in their overall behavior toward others and me. I realized there are certain types of people who just aren’t my cup to tea: those who use profanity and those who drain my positive energy. Truly, these are good people, yet how they have chosen to live their lives is not the same as how I am choosing to live mine. So when it comes to etiquette, work at attracting and sustaining friendships among people who display the same good qualities you aspire to possess.

 3.     Excel in what you know best and then work on what needs improving. In “Soar with Your Strengths,” by Donald Clifton and Paula Nelson, the authors discuss an approach to succeeding in every aspect in life. Rather than concentrating on fixing our weaknesses, we should be focusing on enhancing and soaring with our strengths. In time, the weaknesses are out-shadowed by our strengths, leaving the diminished weaknesses easier to manage. For example: When parents see their child achieving “A” grades in every subject but one, they often choose to divert all their resources and energy to helping their child bring up their grade in the weaker subject. Instead, had the parent put all their resources into developing their child’s interests in the “A” subjects they like.

4.     Being different is fine. Students often tell me they are afraid of standing out at an event due to acting correctly, such as wearing a name badge differently and using a fork in their left hands. The people you call friends will like you, despite your being a little different and more correct. Branding often means standing out from the crowd. When it comes to etiquette, standing out may mean you are doing the right things at the right time and in the right way.

5.     Be real in all you do. I once tried using minor swear words in my speech, just to blend in and be more “real.” I quickly discovered this was not me. Not only did I feel awkward, I sensed people were truly miffed at hearing such words out of my mouth, even though other people say them regularly. I thought this was a harmless way of wanting to be more like others. Wrong!  I was not striving toward the highest and best standards at all times. Being real also means not doing certain things for the wrong reasons, such as giving someone a gift or writing a thank-you note just because you want that person to think favorably of you (also known as kissing up). For the best results physically, mentally, and spiritually, show etiquette without any expectation of gain or reward.

6.     Etiquette is a lifetime of practice, practice, practice. It’s like being a broken record.* You have to do it repeatedly: displaying, showing, and reminding yourself and others of the correct and appropriate behavior. This is how we will all help to change the world in which we live.

7.     Be proud without being a braggart. Do you know people who are always telling you about the great things they do for others? While it’s great to be proud of your accomplishments, it’s also good etiquette not to brag about it. Instead of tooting your own horn, the goal of etiquette branding is having others talking positively about you. Etiquette is all about doing things silently and without anyone noticing. Do the right thing without any pre-meditated strategy in mind.

8.     Don’t give up It is said, “The road to success is never finished.” Building an etiquette brand is not easy, nor is it something you can stop working on at any point. It’s not something you turn on and off at will. It must be a way of life in all you do at home, at work and out in life. We all get weary from time to time, and ask ourselves, “Why am I doing this… especially when the other person doesn’t appreciate anything I do or say? When this happens, call me for some consoling, and remember Tip Number 1. Be strong in knowing you have chosen the best path to living the best life possible, one step at a time.

BONUS:  William Arruda, the personal branding guru, says, “All strong brands exhibit the three Cs of brand communications: Clarity, Consistency, and Constancy.” For another perspective on branding your business, see an article by Arruda, “Top Ten Willisms” [hyperlinked] … also at http://www.thepersonalbrandingblog.com/author/william-arruda/. It was the inspiration for this article.

*For those of you too young to know what a broken record means, it is a term from when phonograph records were the only way to hear recorded music, speech and sounds. It is a flat round disc with groves that held the sounds we played on a phonograph. When a grove got scratched it would cause the playing needle to fall into the same grove over and over again, thus playing the same sound over and over and over again… hence the term known as playing a broken record.

Question of the month: What is your etiquette brand? What stories do you have to share about the times you showed your etiquette brand or had people touting it back to you?

Now, Valentine’s Day is celebrated in many countries around the world and has become yet another media and product sales frenzy, much the same as celebrating Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. What’s important to me is not to buy into all the hype. Stick to celebrating this day as it was originally intended, to acknowledge the love and affection you have for another.

If you’re not in a relationship – or even if you are — you can also celebrate the day with friends, co-workers and family. Valentine’s Day is no longer reserved for lovers, and it doesn’t matter who initiates the invitation. It’s all about how you extend the invitation and execute the celebration. It’s as my good friend Bob Meyer says, “Good, clean, fun is the best!” Here are some guidelines:

1.  To send a card to a person you hardly know: There is nothing wrong with sending or giving someone a Valentine’s card or even a small gift of friendship on this day. The key is to keep the card and gift light-hearted and not expensive. A simple gesture of friendship without any heavy-duty message shows you care. It would be most inappropriate to use this day to surprise someone to express your innermost feelings about your “secret love.” Ease into it in other ways.

2.  To invite someone out: When you don’t know the person well, or have only dated a few times, do not assume the person will want to see you on this particular day. Approach it subtlety by asking, “Gosh, Valentine’s Day is coming up soon, is this something you enjoy celebrating?” Whether the reply is yes or no, if you choose to ask the person out, do it in a light-hearted and non-threatening manner. Keep in mind this is merely another time to have fun together and nothing more serious.

3.  To celebrate with co-workers: Look upon this day as yet another opportunity to have a party at work. Keep it light, and use all the fun items kids share in schools, like kid’s Valentine’s Day cards and heart-shaped cookies. It can be a great way to build closer friendships among co-workers. A company I know celebrates almost every holiday. On the Friday before Mother’s and Father’s Day, the company holds a special lunch, where all mothers and fathers are invited to bring in family photos and share kid stories.

4.  To celebrate with family: How about sending your parents and grandparents a Valentine’s card? I remember doing it as a kid. Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you have to forget showing how much you love and care about them.

5.  To celebrate with someone special:  Steer away from giving a heart-shaped box of chocolates and red roses, unless you know the person well and know for sure the person enjoys them. Find out what the person likes and give something he or she will enjoy. For me, instead of chocolates, I’d love a nicely wrapped package of designer potato chips. A small item for the home or kitchen is fine too. As for what to do, why not simply ask, “What would you enjoy doing?” Perhaps give a few options, such as a light bite and a movie. Inviting the person to your apartment may be too intimate and must be handled carefully to be appropriate. If I had a male friend, I would be concerned about giving the wrong impression by being together on this day alone.  Going out in a group may be the best choice until you choose to become closer friends.

6.  To those “going steady”: This is where Valentine’s Day can be more serious. The etiquette here is to give your counterpart something meaningful you know she or he will enjoy and cherish. It is the time to share words of love and affection and to reaffirm your dedication to the other person. It is not the day for to discuss your relationship and what isn’t working well.

7.  To husbands and wives: Plan a celebration according to both your likes and desires, whether it’s a weekend getaway or something as simple as an intimate dinner for two at home. Ron and I enjoy celebrating almost all holidays by staying home and cooking a great meal together. That’s our idea of fun. Statistics show that married couples who cook together have a greater chance of remaining happily married. I’m glad we both enjoy cooking!

8.  To those who are single: It’s easy to feel left out, so plan something that evening with a group of other single friends so you won’t be home alone, such as an evening of cocktails and dinner. I did this before I was married, and one time our group had a fun gift exchange of small boxes of chocolates. Each person brought a box and we each got one to bring home.

Most of all, however you celebrate the day, do it with full consideration, respect, and honesty. This is what etiquette is all about.

Happy Practicing!

Question of the Month: What other tips do you have to add to this list.  Do you have great and/or horror stories to share about any of your own Valentine’s celebrations? We’d love to hear from you as learning lessons for the future.

1. Always identify yourself at the beginning of all calls.

A) When in the office, always answer a telephone by saying: “Hello/Good Morning, Accounting Department, Syndi Seid speaking.”

B) From a cell phone, either simply say Hello, or state your name, Hello, Syndi Seid here.  Do not answer by using words such as “yeah” or “yes.”

C) When placing a call, always state your name along with the name of the person you are calling. Example: “Hello, my name is John Doe from XYZ Corporation.  May I please speak with Ms. Jane Smith?”

2. Be sensitive to the tone of your voice.  Do not sound overly anxious, aggressive or pushy. It is important your tone conveys authority and confidence.  Do not lean back in your chair when speaking on the telephone.

Tip: Sit up in your chair or stand during the conversation. When at home, use a personal tape recorder to privately record your own conversations.  You will then hear how your sound to others.

3. Think through exactly what you plan to say and discuss BEFORE you place a call.

Tip:  Jot down the items you want to discuss and questions you want answered.  In other words, anticipate and expect you will be placed into a voicemail system; plan your message to be as direct and specific as possible, asking the person to respond to specific alternatives or questions.  Do not say, “Hello, it’s Syndi, call me back.”  At least state the subject about which you want the person to call you back about.

4. Do not allow interruptions to occur during conversations. Do not carry on side conversations with other people around you.  The person on the telephone takes precedence over someone who happens to walk in your office or passes by while you are on the phone.

Tip: If you must interrupt the conversation, say to the person, “Please excuse me for a moment I’ll be right back.”  And when you return, say, “Thank you for holding.”

5. Especially when leaving messages, speak clearly and slowly. Do not use broken phrases, slang or idioms. Always, always leave your return telephone number as part of your message, including the area code . . . and S-L-O-W-L-Y, including REPEATING your telephone number at the end of your message.

Tip: Practice leaving your number, by saying it aloud to yourself as slow as you have heard an informational operator say it.

6. Build the habit of always turning off your cell phone ringer when entering a meeting, restaurant, theater, training class, or other place where the purpose of your visit would be interrupted or others would be disturbed by hearing your cell phone ring.

Tip: If you are expecting an important call, inform the caller you will be in a meeting during certain times and state you will monitor your message indicator for when it illuminates you will excuse yourself to leave the meeting and return the call.

7. Always speak into the telephone receiver with an even and low tone of voice.  Especially when speaking on a cell phone out in public, be sure to monitor how loud you may be.

Tip: Move the phone ear piece just slightly away from your ear and listen to yourself speaking. Discover whether you are speaking too loudly or too quietly for the other person to hear you.

8. Do not allow yourself to be distracted by other activities while speaking on the telephone, such as rustling papers, chewing and eating, working on the computer, or speaking with someone else.  Most importantly, do not use a hand held cell phone while driving. Get a headset or speaker phone for the car.

Tip: Always treat every caller with the utmost courtesy and respect by giving him/her your undivided attention.

Question:  What other items do you have to add to this list?  Do let us hear from you by locating this article at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/blog.  You may also reach us at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com.  If you enjoyed this article and want more, subscribe to our “Etiquette Tip of the Month” newsletter—at no charge—filled with great monthly tips on all sorts of topics from international business and social etiquette and protocol to everyday life subjects.  It will be great to have you as a member of our happy family of subscribers at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/subscribe.

Happy Practicing!

What’s the first thing you think I will say about Etiquette at a movie theater? It is the first thing nearly everyone mentions to me as their biggest pet peeve at the movies. You guessed it . . .

1. Turn off your cell phone. I cannot except any excuse for a ringing cell phone in the theater or at any event OR MEETING (and that goes for pagers and alarm watches, too). Even the most inexpensive phones can be turned to “vibrate” or “meeting mode” with just a couple of steps. Theater managers post signs and present cute on-screen reminders. Everyone just needs to get in the habit. Please. Here’s my tip for those rare occasions when you must take a call while at the movies or similar situation: When it vibrates, immediately press the talk button on your cell phone to cease the ringing. You immediately whisper, “One moment please.” That’s it—nothing else. Do not say “Hello,” as that will prompt your caller to begin talking. After you exit the theater resume the conversation by stating, “Thank you for waiting—I was in a movie theater and couldn’t talk until I left the room.” Some people think text messaging is a remedy for not talking in a theater. These people are wrong. The glare and glow of the cell phone is just as disturbing as the ring and noise of a conversation. Leave the phone alone and just enjoy the show.

2. Be on time! The starting time of each film is posted in the newspaper, online, and at the theater. There’s no excuse for entering the theater and disrupting those who were courteous enough to arrive on time.

3. Be patient in line. No one enjoys an impatient person who constantly appears to be rushing and pushing his or her way through a line. Remember, there is no amount of shoving or complaining that will make the line go any faster.

4. Choose your seat with care. Look around as you find your seat. Once seated, remove your hat or any other item that could block the sightline of those behind you. Especially if you are tall or see a short person behind you, choose your seat with sensitivity. Here’s a quick story about a situation that happened to me while attending a late afternoon movie and inspired this month’s tip. My husband and I entered the theater to find only about a dozen other viewers seated at various locations in the theater. We chose seats in the middle of the theater in the middle of a row with empty seats all around us. Two big guys entered the theater and chose to sit literally in the seats right in front of us. The taller of the two sat right in front of me. I couldn’t believe it. The theater was practically empty, why did he choose to sit directly in front of little ol’ me? He literally blocked my view of the screen. I tapped the man on his shoulder and asked, “Could you please move a couple of seats either way. You are blocking my view?” I will not quote his response here, but I will say it was not friendly or favorable. We had to move to other seats…

5. Sit once and remain seated. No one likes to be seated beside or behind someone who gets up and leaves their seat several times before or, worse yet, during the movie. Plan ahead. Visit the restroom before taking your seat. Buy all the refreshments you may want and make all the calls you must before the movie begins. If you know you may have to leave during the film, choose a seat near the aisle and, preferably, near the rear of the theatre.

6. Refrain from ALL unnecessary talking once the film has begun. If you must talk, make it no louder than a whisper: If the person sitting next to you asks you to repeat yourself, then you know you are in the realm of the correct volume. Stop and think: Am I speaking at a volume even the person in front of me can likely hear? If the answer is yes or even maybe, then you are probably speaking too loudly. Holding side conversations, even in a whisper, can be heard. Make NO side comments. Also, laughing too loudly, especially when no one else is getting the joke, can be terribly annoying.

7. Always face the back of the theater when entering a row of seats. When entering a row to find a seat or leaving your seat to go toward the aisle, never allow your buttocks to be the face of neighboring people. Because of the way we bend as we sidle between the seats, our rear-end extends farther backward than our knees or chest. If you are facing the rear of the theater, your buttocks may touch the backs of the seats in the row in front and maybe even the back of the heads of a few people sitting there, but, if you face forward, your rear is in the face of all the people you pass—not a very positive appearance.

8. Check the ratings. Only bring children to movies that are content appropriate. Children—beginning about age four—will enjoy going to the theater to see appropriate movies. Until then, enjoy videos at home or hire a sitter when you want to enjoy a first-run feature. A noisy baby or a bored child who becomes disruptive bothers everyone in the theater.

9. Be quiet with every movement. Most candy, popcorn, and other food items sold in theaters are served in relatively quiet wrappers. Even so, try not to make excessive noise while eating or drinking. Don’t scrunch papers or boxes, don’t rattle or chew on the ice in your drink, don’t slurp the last of your drink through the straw, and, if you are eating something very crunchy, keep your mouth closed while you chew very gently and quietly.

10. Stay to the end of the film. Some people, including my husband, enjoy viewing the credits at the end of a film. Especially here in the San Francisco Bay Area where many films are made, the name of a friend or acquaintance may scroll by. If you are a person who does not enjoy viewing the credits or know you may have reason to leave the theater during the film, try to sit in an aisle seat or toward the back of the theater so you can exit with the least amount of disruption.

11. Showing “too much” affection in public: A darkened movie theater may feel like you are in a world of your own, but you’re not. Leave such displays for other private locations.

The Question of the Month:  
Why are people so mean spirited these days? I am curious to know what makes people feel the need to have power over others in situations that serve no purpose, like the man who nearly ruined my movie experience. I wonder if there is anything we can do to help turn this seemingly epidemic around. Please submit your comments on our BLOG page at http://www.advancedetiquette.com/blog. Your responses could be the subject of a future tip.

Question:  What other items do you have to add to this list?  Do let us hear from you by locating this article at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/blog.  You may also reach us at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com.  If you enjoyed this article and want more, subscribe to our “Etiquette Tip of the Month” newsletter—at no charge—filled with great monthly tips on all sorts of topics from international business and social etiquette and protocol to everyday life subjects.  It will be great to have you as a member of our happy family of subscribers at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/subscribe.

Happy Practicing!

The celebration of Pongal in South India, especially Tamil Nadu, is the most significant festival for the Tamils and is also called Tamizhar Tirunal (Festival of Tamils)—second in importance only to Diwali, the festival of lights.

Pongal is celebrated on the first day of the Tamil month Thai (January 14th or 15th) and signifies the end of the harvest season. Its history dates back to the Sangam age, from 200 B.C. to 300 A.D.

Kolam designs, intricate geometric patterns of dots and lines, are made with rice flour or limestone powder outside Tamilian homes and are said to usher in the Goddess of prosperity, Lakshmi. Pongal is celebrated over four days.

On the first day, Bhogi, houses are cleaned and all unwanted things are burnt in bonfires that burn through the night. This symbolizes the destruction of evil and ushering in of the good. In recent years, however, the State Government has banned the burning of certain material during Bhogi, especially rubber, because of the toxic gas and pollution produced!

On the second day, Pongal, people wear new clothes and offer thanks to the Sun God. Huge stalks of sugarcane decorate the courtyards in rural areas. These are held over the pot in which sweet pongal, a dish of boiled rice and pulses mixed with jaggery and fresh milk, is prepared. The milk is allowed to boil over as a reflection of plenty, meaning that the harvest has been good.

The third day, Mattu Pongal, is dedicated to the cattle that have helped to reap the harvest with their labour. The cattle are bathed, their horns brightly painted, turmeric and vermilion are applied to their foreheads and they are garlanded. Indeed, it is a very special day for the cattle as they are not only given pongal, sugarcane and other choice food to eat, but they are ritually worshipped. Bull fights and bullock-cart races are held in several villages in the south of Madurai, in Tamil Nadu.

Kaanum Pongal (seeing Pongal) marks the fourth and last day of the Pongal festivities. Dressed gaily, families picnic, visit relatives, and make a tour of the city. It is a day for the outdoors and most city dwellers throng the long stretch of the Marina Beach in the evening, making for a sea of humanity.

In northern India, Makara Sankranti and Lohri are celebrated to coincide with Uttarayana—the movement of the sun in the northerly direction in January. Sugarcane juice, jaggery and sesame sweets are distributed. Huge bonfires are lit and sweets and rice are offered to the fire.

BONUS:  To learn more about this important festival and holiday, see www.123pongal.com.  In fact, have fun sending someone you know from this culture a “Happy Pongal” card, as shown on this site and many other Internet sites.

Question:  What other items do you have to add to this list?  Do let us hear from you by locating this article at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/blog.  You may also reach us at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com.  If you enjoyed this article and want more, subscribe to our “Etiquette Tip of the Month” newsletter—at no charge—filled with great monthly tips on all sorts of topics from international business and social etiquette and protocol to everyday life subjects.  It will be great to have you as a member of our happy family of subscribers at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/subscribe

1.  As a guest, never begin to eat or drink before your host does.  Same as in Western etiquette you always wait for the host to initiate the beginning of each course.  In Chinese etiquette the host will always begin each dish by serving the chief guest and one or two other guests nearby.  Then he will invite everyone to please help themselves.  You’re then allowed to begin serving yourself, but not without offering it to others first.

2.  Do sample a bite of every dish.  It is considered rude not to sample a bite of every dish.  Your host will be looking at you to see your fortitude.  Here’s a dish I know you will all want to try.  It is one I heard about from one of my students.  I was a delicacy prepared just for him of an exotic plate of marinated, deep-fried scorpions, completely intact with their stingers, on a bed of lettuce and rice.  Sounds good right?

3.  Always offer someone else food or tea before you serve yourself.  You would be considered a pig and without manners if you serve yourself first.  If you want another cup of tea or food, simply offer it to others before pouring or taking another helping for yourself.

Sticking your chopsticks straight up in your rice bowl is rude, since they will resemble the joss sticks used in religious ceremonies.

8.  Business is not generally discussed during a meal.  Good topics of conversation include Chinese art, food, and sights. Inquiries about the health and well-being of family members.  As in all cultures, conversations are to be kept light and general, not heavy politics or religion.

9.  As toasts are performed throughout a dinner, use both hands to show utmost respect.  Customarily the host will begin the dinner with a toast of welcome, and then after the second or third course, the chief guest might say a few words and propose a toast, thereafter, toasts are free for all to propose.  Generally initiated by the hosts side. Small toasts among two or three guests are also appropriate. It doesn’t always have to be among the entire table. You can toast with soft drinks, tea, or the brandy, wine or beer you might have.

Toasts are performed with the utmost respect using both hands around the cup or glass, raised to shoulder height, make eye contact with the host and all, smile, and taking a sip or “bottoms up,” similar as in Western culture.   If one hand is used it must only be the right hand and the Chinese do not typically clink glasses.

10. The serving of fruit signifies the end of the meal. Generally, guests do not linger much past the end of the meal. The host encourages guests to take whatever food is left uneaten home.  The guest of honor should be the first to arrive and the first to leave.

Happy Practicing!

ACTION ITEM:  If you have other Chinese table manners to add to this list, please let us hear from you by replying to this blog.  If you enjoyed this tip, check out others at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/blog and sign up to receive them at no charge each month.  It’s our way of staying in touch and being of service.