Now, Valentine’s Day is celebrated in many countries around the world and has become yet another media and product sales frenzy, much the same as celebrating Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. What’s important to me is not to buy into all the hype. Stick to celebrating this day as it was originally intended, to acknowledge the love and affection you have for another.

If you’re not in a relationship – or even if you are — you can also celebrate the day with friends, co-workers and family. Valentine’s Day is no longer reserved for lovers, and it doesn’t matter who initiates the invitation. It’s all about how you extend the invitation and execute the celebration. It’s as my good friend Bob Meyer says, “Good, clean, fun is the best!” Here are some guidelines:

1.  To send a card to a person you hardly know: There is nothing wrong with sending or giving someone a Valentine’s card or even a small gift of friendship on this day. The key is to keep the card and gift light-hearted and not expensive. A simple gesture of friendship without any heavy-duty message shows you care. It would be most inappropriate to use this day to surprise someone to express your innermost feelings about your “secret love.” Ease into it in other ways.

2.  To invite someone out: When you don’t know the person well, or have only dated a few times, do not assume the person will want to see you on this particular day. Approach it subtlety by asking, “Gosh, Valentine’s Day is coming up soon, is this something you enjoy celebrating?” Whether the reply is yes or no, if you choose to ask the person out, do it in a light-hearted and non-threatening manner. Keep in mind this is merely another time to have fun together and nothing more serious.

3.  To celebrate with co-workers: Look upon this day as yet another opportunity to have a party at work. Keep it light, and use all the fun items kids share in schools, like kid’s Valentine’s Day cards and heart-shaped cookies. It can be a great way to build closer friendships among co-workers. A company I know celebrates almost every holiday. On the Friday before Mother’s and Father’s Day, the company holds a special lunch, where all mothers and fathers are invited to bring in family photos and share kid stories.

4.  To celebrate with family: How about sending your parents and grandparents a Valentine’s card? I remember doing it as a kid. Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you have to forget showing how much you love and care about them.

5.  To celebrate with someone special:  Steer away from giving a heart-shaped box of chocolates and red roses, unless you know the person well and know for sure the person enjoys them. Find out what the person likes and give something he or she will enjoy. For me, instead of chocolates, I’d love a nicely wrapped package of designer potato chips. A small item for the home or kitchen is fine too. As for what to do, why not simply ask, “What would you enjoy doing?” Perhaps give a few options, such as a light bite and a movie. Inviting the person to your apartment may be too intimate and must be handled carefully to be appropriate. If I had a male friend, I would be concerned about giving the wrong impression by being together on this day alone.  Going out in a group may be the best choice until you choose to become closer friends.

6.  To those “going steady”: This is where Valentine’s Day can be more serious. The etiquette here is to give your counterpart something meaningful you know she or he will enjoy and cherish. It is the time to share words of love and affection and to reaffirm your dedication to the other person. It is not the day for to discuss your relationship and what isn’t working well.

7.  To husbands and wives: Plan a celebration according to both your likes and desires, whether it’s a weekend getaway or something as simple as an intimate dinner for two at home. Ron and I enjoy celebrating almost all holidays by staying home and cooking a great meal together. That’s our idea of fun. Statistics show that married couples who cook together have a greater chance of remaining happily married. I’m glad we both enjoy cooking!

8.  To those who are single: It’s easy to feel left out, so plan something that evening with a group of other single friends so you won’t be home alone, such as an evening of cocktails and dinner. I did this before I was married, and one time our group had a fun gift exchange of small boxes of chocolates. Each person brought a box and we each got one to bring home.

Most of all, however you celebrate the day, do it with full consideration, respect, and honesty. This is what etiquette is all about.

Happy Practicing!

Question of the Month: What other tips do you have to add to this list.  Do you have great and/or horror stories to share about any of your own Valentine’s celebrations? We’d love to hear from you as learning lessons for the future.

1. Always identify yourself at the beginning of all calls.

A) When in the office, always answer a telephone by saying: “Hello/Good Morning, Accounting Department, Syndi Seid speaking.”

B) From a cell phone, either simply say Hello, or state your name, Hello, Syndi Seid here.  Do not answer by using words such as “yeah” or “yes.”

C) When placing a call, always state your name along with the name of the person you are calling. Example: “Hello, my name is John Doe from XYZ Corporation.  May I please speak with Ms. Jane Smith?”

2. Be sensitive to the tone of your voice.  Do not sound overly anxious, aggressive or pushy. It is important your tone conveys authority and confidence.  Do not lean back in your chair when speaking on the telephone.

Tip: Sit up in your chair or stand during the conversation. When at home, use a personal tape recorder to privately record your own conversations.  You will then hear how your sound to others.

3. Think through exactly what you plan to say and discuss BEFORE you place a call.

Tip:  Jot down the items you want to discuss and questions you want answered.  In other words, anticipate and expect you will be placed into a voicemail system; plan your message to be as direct and specific as possible, asking the person to respond to specific alternatives or questions.  Do not say, “Hello, it’s Syndi, call me back.”  At least state the subject about which you want the person to call you back about.

4. Do not allow interruptions to occur during conversations. Do not carry on side conversations with other people around you.  The person on the telephone takes precedence over someone who happens to walk in your office or passes by while you are on the phone.

Tip: If you must interrupt the conversation, say to the person, “Please excuse me for a moment I’ll be right back.”  And when you return, say, “Thank you for holding.”

5. Especially when leaving messages, speak clearly and slowly. Do not use broken phrases, slang or idioms. Always, always leave your return telephone number as part of your message, including the area code . . . and S-L-O-W-L-Y, including REPEATING your telephone number at the end of your message.

Tip: Practice leaving your number, by saying it aloud to yourself as slow as you have heard an informational operator say it.

6. Build the habit of always turning off your cell phone ringer when entering a meeting, restaurant, theater, training class, or other place where the purpose of your visit would be interrupted or others would be disturbed by hearing your cell phone ring.

Tip: If you are expecting an important call, inform the caller you will be in a meeting during certain times and state you will monitor your message indicator for when it illuminates you will excuse yourself to leave the meeting and return the call.

7. Always speak into the telephone receiver with an even and low tone of voice.  Especially when speaking on a cell phone out in public, be sure to monitor how loud you may be.

Tip: Move the phone ear piece just slightly away from your ear and listen to yourself speaking. Discover whether you are speaking too loudly or too quietly for the other person to hear you.

8. Do not allow yourself to be distracted by other activities while speaking on the telephone, such as rustling papers, chewing and eating, working on the computer, or speaking with someone else.  Most importantly, do not use a hand held cell phone while driving. Get a headset or speaker phone for the car.

Tip: Always treat every caller with the utmost courtesy and respect by giving him/her your undivided attention.

Question:  What other items do you have to add to this list?  Do let us hear from you by locating this article at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/blog.  You may also reach us at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com.  If you enjoyed this article and want more, subscribe to our “Etiquette Tip of the Month” newsletter—at no charge—filled with great monthly tips on all sorts of topics from international business and social etiquette and protocol to everyday life subjects.  It will be great to have you as a member of our happy family of subscribers at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/subscribe.

Happy Practicing!

What’s the first thing you think I will say about Etiquette at a movie theater? It is the first thing nearly everyone mentions to me as their biggest pet peeve at the movies. You guessed it . . .

1. Turn off your cell phone. I cannot except any excuse for a ringing cell phone in the theater or at any event OR MEETING (and that goes for pagers and alarm watches, too). Even the most inexpensive phones can be turned to “vibrate” or “meeting mode” with just a couple of steps. Theater managers post signs and present cute on-screen reminders. Everyone just needs to get in the habit. Please. Here’s my tip for those rare occasions when you must take a call while at the movies or similar situation: When it vibrates, immediately press the talk button on your cell phone to cease the ringing. You immediately whisper, “One moment please.” That’s it—nothing else. Do not say “Hello,” as that will prompt your caller to begin talking. After you exit the theater resume the conversation by stating, “Thank you for waiting—I was in a movie theater and couldn’t talk until I left the room.” Some people think text messaging is a remedy for not talking in a theater. These people are wrong. The glare and glow of the cell phone is just as disturbing as the ring and noise of a conversation. Leave the phone alone and just enjoy the show.

2. Be on time! The starting time of each film is posted in the newspaper, online, and at the theater. There’s no excuse for entering the theater and disrupting those who were courteous enough to arrive on time.

3. Be patient in line. No one enjoys an impatient person who constantly appears to be rushing and pushing his or her way through a line. Remember, there is no amount of shoving or complaining that will make the line go any faster.

4. Choose your seat with care. Look around as you find your seat. Once seated, remove your hat or any other item that could block the sightline of those behind you. Especially if you are tall or see a short person behind you, choose your seat with sensitivity. Here’s a quick story about a situation that happened to me while attending a late afternoon movie and inspired this month’s tip. My husband and I entered the theater to find only about a dozen other viewers seated at various locations in the theater. We chose seats in the middle of the theater in the middle of a row with empty seats all around us. Two big guys entered the theater and chose to sit literally in the seats right in front of us. The taller of the two sat right in front of me. I couldn’t believe it. The theater was practically empty, why did he choose to sit directly in front of little ol’ me? He literally blocked my view of the screen. I tapped the man on his shoulder and asked, “Could you please move a couple of seats either way. You are blocking my view?” I will not quote his response here, but I will say it was not friendly or favorable. We had to move to other seats…

5. Sit once and remain seated. No one likes to be seated beside or behind someone who gets up and leaves their seat several times before or, worse yet, during the movie. Plan ahead. Visit the restroom before taking your seat. Buy all the refreshments you may want and make all the calls you must before the movie begins. If you know you may have to leave during the film, choose a seat near the aisle and, preferably, near the rear of the theatre.

6. Refrain from ALL unnecessary talking once the film has begun. If you must talk, make it no louder than a whisper: If the person sitting next to you asks you to repeat yourself, then you know you are in the realm of the correct volume. Stop and think: Am I speaking at a volume even the person in front of me can likely hear? If the answer is yes or even maybe, then you are probably speaking too loudly. Holding side conversations, even in a whisper, can be heard. Make NO side comments. Also, laughing too loudly, especially when no one else is getting the joke, can be terribly annoying.

7. Always face the back of the theater when entering a row of seats. When entering a row to find a seat or leaving your seat to go toward the aisle, never allow your buttocks to be the face of neighboring people. Because of the way we bend as we sidle between the seats, our rear-end extends farther backward than our knees or chest. If you are facing the rear of the theater, your buttocks may touch the backs of the seats in the row in front and maybe even the back of the heads of a few people sitting there, but, if you face forward, your rear is in the face of all the people you pass—not a very positive appearance.

8. Check the ratings. Only bring children to movies that are content appropriate. Children—beginning about age four—will enjoy going to the theater to see appropriate movies. Until then, enjoy videos at home or hire a sitter when you want to enjoy a first-run feature. A noisy baby or a bored child who becomes disruptive bothers everyone in the theater.

9. Be quiet with every movement. Most candy, popcorn, and other food items sold in theaters are served in relatively quiet wrappers. Even so, try not to make excessive noise while eating or drinking. Don’t scrunch papers or boxes, don’t rattle or chew on the ice in your drink, don’t slurp the last of your drink through the straw, and, if you are eating something very crunchy, keep your mouth closed while you chew very gently and quietly.

10. Stay to the end of the film. Some people, including my husband, enjoy viewing the credits at the end of a film. Especially here in the San Francisco Bay Area where many films are made, the name of a friend or acquaintance may scroll by. If you are a person who does not enjoy viewing the credits or know you may have reason to leave the theater during the film, try to sit in an aisle seat or toward the back of the theater so you can exit with the least amount of disruption.

11. Showing “too much” affection in public: A darkened movie theater may feel like you are in a world of your own, but you’re not. Leave such displays for other private locations.

The Question of the Month:  
Why are people so mean spirited these days? I am curious to know what makes people feel the need to have power over others in situations that serve no purpose, like the man who nearly ruined my movie experience. I wonder if there is anything we can do to help turn this seemingly epidemic around. Please submit your comments on our BLOG page at http://www.advancedetiquette.com/blog. Your responses could be the subject of a future tip.

Question:  What other items do you have to add to this list?  Do let us hear from you by locating this article at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/blog.  You may also reach us at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com.  If you enjoyed this article and want more, subscribe to our “Etiquette Tip of the Month” newsletter—at no charge—filled with great monthly tips on all sorts of topics from international business and social etiquette and protocol to everyday life subjects.  It will be great to have you as a member of our happy family of subscribers at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/subscribe.

Happy Practicing!

The celebration of Pongal in South India, especially Tamil Nadu, is the most significant festival for the Tamils and is also called Tamizhar Tirunal (Festival of Tamils)—second in importance only to Diwali, the festival of lights.

Pongal is celebrated on the first day of the Tamil month Thai (January 14th or 15th) and signifies the end of the harvest season. Its history dates back to the Sangam age, from 200 B.C. to 300 A.D.

Kolam designs, intricate geometric patterns of dots and lines, are made with rice flour or limestone powder outside Tamilian homes and are said to usher in the Goddess of prosperity, Lakshmi. Pongal is celebrated over four days.

On the first day, Bhogi, houses are cleaned and all unwanted things are burnt in bonfires that burn through the night. This symbolizes the destruction of evil and ushering in of the good. In recent years, however, the State Government has banned the burning of certain material during Bhogi, especially rubber, because of the toxic gas and pollution produced!

On the second day, Pongal, people wear new clothes and offer thanks to the Sun God. Huge stalks of sugarcane decorate the courtyards in rural areas. These are held over the pot in which sweet pongal, a dish of boiled rice and pulses mixed with jaggery and fresh milk, is prepared. The milk is allowed to boil over as a reflection of plenty, meaning that the harvest has been good.

The third day, Mattu Pongal, is dedicated to the cattle that have helped to reap the harvest with their labour. The cattle are bathed, their horns brightly painted, turmeric and vermilion are applied to their foreheads and they are garlanded. Indeed, it is a very special day for the cattle as they are not only given pongal, sugarcane and other choice food to eat, but they are ritually worshipped. Bull fights and bullock-cart races are held in several villages in the south of Madurai, in Tamil Nadu.

Kaanum Pongal (seeing Pongal) marks the fourth and last day of the Pongal festivities. Dressed gaily, families picnic, visit relatives, and make a tour of the city. It is a day for the outdoors and most city dwellers throng the long stretch of the Marina Beach in the evening, making for a sea of humanity.

In northern India, Makara Sankranti and Lohri are celebrated to coincide with Uttarayana—the movement of the sun in the northerly direction in January. Sugarcane juice, jaggery and sesame sweets are distributed. Huge bonfires are lit and sweets and rice are offered to the fire.

BONUS:  To learn more about this important festival and holiday, see www.123pongal.com.  In fact, have fun sending someone you know from this culture a “Happy Pongal” card, as shown on this site and many other Internet sites.

Question:  What other items do you have to add to this list?  Do let us hear from you by locating this article at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/blog.  You may also reach us at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com.  If you enjoyed this article and want more, subscribe to our “Etiquette Tip of the Month” newsletter—at no charge—filled with great monthly tips on all sorts of topics from international business and social etiquette and protocol to everyday life subjects.  It will be great to have you as a member of our happy family of subscribers at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/subscribe

1.  As a guest, never begin to eat or drink before your host does.  Same as in Western etiquette you always wait for the host to initiate the beginning of each course.  In Chinese etiquette the host will always begin each dish by serving the chief guest and one or two other guests nearby.  Then he will invite everyone to please help themselves.  You’re then allowed to begin serving yourself, but not without offering it to others first.

2.  Do sample a bite of every dish.  It is considered rude not to sample a bite of every dish.  Your host will be looking at you to see your fortitude.  Here’s a dish I know you will all want to try.  It is one I heard about from one of my students.  I was a delicacy prepared just for him of an exotic plate of marinated, deep-fried scorpions, completely intact with their stingers, on a bed of lettuce and rice.  Sounds good right?

3.  Always offer someone else food or tea before you serve yourself.  You would be considered a pig and without manners if you serve yourself first.  If you want another cup of tea or food, simply offer it to others before pouring or taking another helping for yourself.

Sticking your chopsticks straight up in your rice bowl is rude, since they will resemble the joss sticks used in religious ceremonies.

8.  Business is not generally discussed during a meal.  Good topics of conversation include Chinese art, food, and sights. Inquiries about the health and well-being of family members.  As in all cultures, conversations are to be kept light and general, not heavy politics or religion.

9.  As toasts are performed throughout a dinner, use both hands to show utmost respect.  Customarily the host will begin the dinner with a toast of welcome, and then after the second or third course, the chief guest might say a few words and propose a toast, thereafter, toasts are free for all to propose.  Generally initiated by the hosts side. Small toasts among two or three guests are also appropriate. It doesn’t always have to be among the entire table. You can toast with soft drinks, tea, or the brandy, wine or beer you might have.

Toasts are performed with the utmost respect using both hands around the cup or glass, raised to shoulder height, make eye contact with the host and all, smile, and taking a sip or “bottoms up,” similar as in Western culture.   If one hand is used it must only be the right hand and the Chinese do not typically clink glasses.

10. The serving of fruit signifies the end of the meal. Generally, guests do not linger much past the end of the meal. The host encourages guests to take whatever food is left uneaten home.  The guest of honor should be the first to arrive and the first to leave.

Happy Practicing!

ACTION ITEM:  If you have other Chinese table manners to add to this list, please let us hear from you by replying to this blog.  If you enjoyed this tip, check out others at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/blog and sign up to receive them at no charge each month.  It’s our way of staying in touch and being of service.

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Sally’s Top Twenty Restaurant Gripes
by Sally Bernstein at www.SallyBernstein.com

1. Reservations That Aren’t Honored
When I go to the trouble to make a restaurant reservation, I expect the restaurant to be reasonably on time. I don’t expect to wait more than 10-15 minutes and I’d hope the host or hostess would be pleasant and try to accommodate my fellow diners and me.

Sally’s Right Etiquette:  It is important the restaurant owners, managers, and staff all collectively work on establishing their own systems to help insure reservations are honored on time.  If this means not turning over a table one more time in order to hold it open for the reserved party… you should do it!

2. Noisy Restaurants
When I dine out I want to be able to visit with those at my table.  The majority of restaurants today are so noisy that is often hard to do.  Much of the problem is due to the acoustics, such as bare floors (often stone), glass walls, no tablecloths, in other words, nothing to “soak up” the noise.  Soundproofing foam can be added under tables, seats, or to walls. I know owners think a loud, bustling spot means a popular spot but if you can’t visit with others, what’s the use in going out?

Sally’s Right Etiquette: If your goal is for diners to gobble up your food and leave fast because of the noise level, fine.

3. Non-Printed Menus
Although chalkboard menus seem quaint and fun, too often they are placed in a spot that makes them hard to read, the writing is not always legible and sometimes prices are not listed. These menus are acceptable for pub grub, a diner or a place where you order your food at a bar or counter but not a “real” restaurant.

4. Verbal Specials Recited Without Prices
When servers tell me the daily specials, I want to know the prices so I won’t be unpleasantly surprised when the bill arrives.

Syndi’s Right Etiquette:  I agree prices should always be shared.  If not, don’t be shy to ask.  A suggestion might be to state the price before describing the dish.  Example:  At $14.95 is our signature dish is…   By the time the waiter finishes their mouth-watering description you’ll forget all about the price and will want the dish anyway.  Another pet peeve is when the daily special board doesn’t show prices… no excuses here, it should.

5. Up Selling
I dine out to relax and I don’t want to constantly be on guard to make sure I am not going to have to pay more for my meal than I planned.  Rolls, appetizers, daily specials, side dishes and desserts are a few of the culprits in this category.

Sally’s Right Etiquette:  To me, I don’t mind waiters telling me about Specials of the Day, or trying to up-sell me, as long as it is done tastefully and without sounding like a sales pitch.  Always keep in mind, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it” that counts.

6. Iceless Table Water
The up selling to get you to buy bottled water is bad enough but even worse are restaurants that don’t even offer ice in that water.

Sally’s Right Etiquette:  Reality is, ice is not an item used in fine dining.  I agree, however, in many restaurants they could offer ice as an option.  On an aside, in San Francisco we have an ordinance that requires the availability of regular tap water, disallowing restaurants to only “sell” water.

7. Servings That Are Too Large or Too Small
I don’t eat like a pig nor do I eat like a bird.  I want to try different foods and not leave the table stuffed.  Restaurants know they can charge more if they give you more food but this doesn’t work for me.

Sally’s Right Etiquette:  I agree with this one.  When will restaurants learn to give appropriate portions of food for the funds invested to dine in their restaurant.

8. Dirty Restrooms
Another indication of a quality restaurant is a clean restroom.

Need I say more?

9. Clearing of Plates
At upscale restaurants all finished plates should be cleared at the same time. If my plate is cleared before someone else, it could make that diner feel rushed and uncomfortable. Dining out is an event and the atmosphere should be relaxed. At a less expensive diner, those rules change.

10. No Cell Phone Use
This is just plain rude and you see it more and more today.  If you must take a call, leave the dining room.  But your cell phone should be turned off or on vibrate when you dine out.

11. Spreading Germs
Menus, which are not sanitized between uses (and this includes 99.9% of all restaurants). Think about those back-woods-bumpkins who flipped those same plastic surfaced pages and/or binder covers 10 minutes ago or less, yeah the same ones responsible for making escalator hand grips the most ecoli infested surfaces around…

12. More Germs
Waiters who fill water glasses by touching the water container to the rim of the glass. Picture in your mind how many others have been similarly touched before yours…including the guy across the restaurant with the runny reddened nose. Microbiology dictates that his kooties become yours as soon as you have your first sip.

13. Too Cozy Tables
Restaurants with tables an inch away from your table. Nothing like sharing your intimate conversations with the adjacent couple, or worse yet, hearing theirs.

14. Servers Invading Your Space
Servers, yours as well as random servers passing by, invading your table space and pouring wine or bottled water without first asking. Not everyone wants a refill.  Regarding bottled water, not everyone at the table is drinking it. Regarding wine, the bottomless glass gives you no way of gauging how much you are drinking.  They seem to forget that you are paying for the item and that it is not theirs to distribute without first asking.  Doing so is bad manners not to mention invasive and disruptive, although it does seem to be common practice.

15. Loud Music
I CANNOT stand the loud, sometimes awful music restaurants play, and even worse, it is LOUDER in the LADIES’ ROOM!!!!!!!!!! I can’t even carry on a conversation in most restaurants, from chains to luxury restaurants, anymore.

16. Comment on Loud Music
As regards the ladies comment on loud music in the Ladies’ Room, I want to say that it was probably a man’s idea, designed to get them out of there quicker…

17. Kids
When you have children in your party, their food should be served as soon as possible.

18. Hard Butter
Restaurants that serve hard butter should know better.  Butter should be served at room temperature so that it is spreadable.

19. Bread
Most diners expect bread to be served at a quality restaurant and are not happy when they have to ask for it or when it arrives late.

20. Gratuity Scam (twice)
Restaurants that add gratuity to the bill without disclosing it. And restaurants that then try to trick you into giving an even larger tip by having a blank line on the credit card slip for even more gratuity, again without disclosing that they already added it into the bill.

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QUESTION:  Do you have other grips/pet peeves to add to this list?  Let us hear from you by posting your comments below.  We’d love to hear from you.

1. WHEN I’M THE FIRST PERSON TO RECEIVE A PLATTER OF FOOD, DO I PASS TO THE RIGHT OR LEFT?

At the beginning of a meal, pass all food counter-clockwise, to the right.

2. WHEN MAY I BEGIN EATING?

Among close family and friends you may begin eating as soon as everyone has received a little helping of each dish being passed. In a more formal setting, you may want to follow proper etiquette which dictates you wait for the host to begin eating. A good host may encourage everyone to start eating while platters are being passed. If this occurs, feel free to begin.   If the family tradition is to offer a blessing before eating, either participate or sit quietly while others do. At larger gatherings, you may want to say grace before the food begins to be passed to avoid everyone having to wait a long time while the food gets cold. If individually you want to say a private blessing, simply lower your head in brief silence before you begin eating.

3. AT WHAT POINT MAY I ASK FOR SECONDS?


Generally speaking, you should wait to request more food until encouraged by the host. Assuming all food is clearly on display in front of you, simply ask that a specific item on the table be passed to you for seconds. It will be a compliment to the chef that you want more of something. Before serving yourself, be sure to offer some to the dining companion on either side of you.  When food is not in front of you, it is best to wait until you are offered more.  This could cause your host to be uncomfortable by having to refuse your request because there are no seconds.

4. SOMEONE JUST ASKED ME TO PASS A PLATTER OF FOOD FOR SECONDS. DO I PASS IT THE SAME WAY I DID AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEAL?

No. During the meal you may pass food in whatever direction is easiest and closest. Right, left, and across the table are all acceptable.

5. HOW DO I POLITELY REFUSE SOMETHING BEING PASSED?


If you have food allergies or clearly defined religious or other food restrictions, inform your host prior to the meal, if at all possible. Simply make a brief statement when you accept the invitation or at the time you arrive, “I just wanted you to know I am allergic to peanuts. Please let me know if there are any dishes that contain peanuts. I’ll just pass on those. I’m sure there will be plenty of other wonderful foods to eat. I just wanted to let you know so you wouldn’t think I was passing on a dish because of any other reason.” Having given notice, your host will not be offended when you pass on that dish. If you are unsure about a particular dish, discretely ask the host how it was prepared and what ingredients were used. Most hosts will gladly disclose the ingredients. Otherwise, if you have no serious food restrictions, do try a small portion of everything being served. You never know, … try it, you’ll like it!    The bottomline is, neither host nor guest should place an emphasis on the food. Rather, the focus of a family-style meal should be the overall enjoyment of a celebration and an evening in good company.

6. IS IT O.K. TO GRAB THE LAST PIECE OF SOMETHING, ESPECIALLY IF IT IS SITTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME WITH MY NAME WRITTEN ALL OVER IT?

It is always best to offer the use of any item to the dining companions on either side of you before you grab it. You could say something such as, “Jane, Joe, this last piece of turkey looks mighty delicious. Would you enjoy having some of it?”  If yes, share it.  When they decline, help yourself.

7. WHEN MAY I LEAVE THE TABLE AT THE END OF THE MEAL

 
Generally guests remain at the table for about an hour after the meal has concluded to enjoy a bit of after-dinner conversation. Watch your hosts for clues. Unless you are invited to see the host’s model train display, adults typically do not leave until senior members of the family or the guest of honor leaves. Younger guests may ask to be excused to enjoy their own conversations and activities in another room.

8. DO I HAVE TO WRITE A THANK YOU NOTE?

DUH! A guest should always write a thank-you note. While your parents will be pleased to receive a simple note expressing gratitude for their hospitality, just imagine how impressed your future in-laws will be. Creating a family-style meal for special gatherings and celebrations is a large undertaking. Receiving even a very simple hand-written thank-you note in return is always a gesture most appreciated. If you are the guest of a guest, notes to both your host and the person who invited you are appropriate.

 Question:  What other items do you have to add to this list?  Do let us hear from you by locating this article at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/blog.  You may also reach us at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com.  If you enjoyed this article and want more, subscribe to our “Etiquette Tip of the Month” newsletter—at no charge—filled with great monthly tips on all sorts of topics from international business and social etiquette and protocol to everyday life subjects.  It will be great to have you as a member of our happy family of subscribers at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/subscribe.

Happy Dining!

So here are my Top 10 Grooming Kit Items to always have on hand at a moment’s notice:

1. Hand sanitizer or sanitizing sheets, such as Purell

2. Packets of facial tissue, such as Kleenex

3. Breath mints/fresheners, such as Listerine sheets and Altoids

4. Dental floss, Brush Up Teeth Wipes or toothpaste and small tooth brush

5. Small comb and/or hair brush

6. A small sewing kit with extra safety pins in various sizes

 7. Cold prevention items such as vitamin C, Emergen-C, Airborne or other cold remedies of your choosing

8. Painkillers for headaches, such as Tylenol or Advil; Tums for indigestion; or Immodium for diahhrea… especially  when traveling abroad

9. Nail clipper and file

10.  Spray-on or small stick stain remover for clothing accidents… especially when traveling.

For especially women… please do not carry huge, full-sized items in your huge purse/kit.  Make the effort to purchase smaller, travel sized items to carry in your kit.  Place this arsenal in small pouches in your office, home, car, and purse or briefcase. By having several kits on hand wherever you are, you will be able to look and feel sharp at all times. For men, have an extra shirt and tie at your desk or in the car and for women, I rely on having an extra shawl, sweater, or jacket stashed in my car and office, for those unexpected situations, cool weather and/or frosty air conditioning.

QUESTION:  What other items do you have to add to this list?  Do let us hear from you by locating this article at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/blog.  You may also reach us at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com.  If you enjoyed this article and want more, subscribe to our “Etiquette Tip of the Month” newsletter—at no charge—filled with great monthly tips on all sorts of topics from international business and social etiquette and protocol to everyday life subjects.  It will be great to have you as a member of our happy family of subscribers at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/subscribe.

Happy Practicing!

BEFORE THE PERFORMANCE:

1. Dress the part. Going to the theatre is a fun, dress-up affair. Take time before the event to plan and choose what you will wear. In most cases, it is not appropriate to show up wearing the style clothes better associated with a back yard barbecue. Avoid wearing jewelry such as earrings, bangles, or beads that make noise when you move. Go light on perfumes that may cause discomfort for others. Remove hats, especially and including baseball caps, when in the theatre. For men it is most inappropriate to wear any hat indoors, and for women it is not recommended, as it may obstruct the view of others in the audience.
2. Know the score. Especially for musical events, if you are unfamiliar with what is being performed, do as much homework as possible before the show to best understand the nuances of the event. Check out recordings at the library or go on-line to sites such as www.metopera.org/synopses or www.classical.net to read about the story, author, composer, and music. Many performances include notes and a show synopsis in the program.
3. Arrive on time. It may be considered fashionable to arrive a few minutes late to a party, but this is not true for the theatre. Confirm the start time of the performance and plan accordingly. It is best to arrive early, so that you have time to find your seat, relax, and read the program notes and show synopsis. There is no standard that performances begin at 8:00 p.m. and are punctuated by intermissions. Latecomers are often requested to remain in the back of the hall or outside in the lobby or a viewing room, until the end of the first act or movement. For performances without an intermission, you could be completely shut out if you arrive late.
4. Eat lightly. It is best to eat and drink in moderation before a performance. A large meal may make you sleepy. Your elegant evening may be destroyed if your companion has to nudge you awake when you nod your head or start to snore! Choose another time to eat lots of garlic, onions, chili peppers, beans, and other odorous foods. Keep in mind that you will be sitting with a large group of people for several hours. There is nothing worse than smelling the person near you all evening.

DURING THE PERFORMANCE:

5. Be still. Please sit still and be quiet throughout the performance. Refrain from fidgeting, moving your head and body around, rustling papers, tapping your feet or hands, humming along, or carrying on conversations—even in a whisper. To keep from coughing, be prepared with a cough drop. Carry your drops or candy at the top of your purse or pocket with the wrapper loosened ahead of time, to keep the noise of undoing the cover to a minimum.
6. Lose the electronics. Above all, make sure your cell phone and other electronic devices are turned off during the entire performance. If you absolutely must hear from someone, keep the device on the vibrate mode and fully leave the theatre to answer the call.
7. Stay in your space. Be sure to sit up straight in your seat. Do not lean forward in your chair, especially when seated in an upper level row. You may be unaware that this terribly obstructs the view of those behind you. Choose one armrest to use, not both. Keep your elbows, knees, and feet within your designated space.
8. Savor the performance. Do not read your program—or anything else—during the performance, especially using a penlight. Instead, read the program ahead of time or during the intermission.
9. Be appreciative. Applause and cheers are an integral part of the performance. It is the true reward for the performers. However, be sensitive about when it is appropriate to applaud at a performance. Generally speaking,
   DO applaud …
   — the conductor as he or she first arrives on stage.
   — at the end of each act in an opera or play.
   — after the last movement in a musical piece.
   — as loudly as you desire at the conclusion of the entire performance.
   DO NOT applaud …
   — the star performer as he or she first enters the stage.
   — between movements in a musical piece.
   — after each aria or song a performer sings.
   — when you first view a new set on stage.

AFTER THE PERFORMANCE:

10. Enjoy the finale. Do not make a mad dash for the door the moment the curtain falls or the last note is played. It is very rude to ask folks to let you out while they are showing the performers their appreciation with applause and cheering. Plus, if you leave right away, you may miss an exciting encore. Let people closer to the aisles depart first.

BONUS TIP: One of the most telling signs of a theatre-savvy person is how they cheer a performer. When cheering a woman performer, the proper term is BRAVA!
When cheering only a man performer, the proper term is BRAVO!
When cheering both men and women performers, the word to say is BRAVI! (Pronounced “bra vay”)

Happy Practicing!

This issue came to a boil for me last month, when I was a speaker at two professional organizations’ events. The organizers gave me an initial guest count, but only about half that number actually attended.

What gets me most is the lack of concern these no-shows showed for others. In both cases, there was lots of leftover food and drink. Plus I had prepared personalized materials that became trash after the night was over. Sure, I could have produced generic materials to recycle at another presentation. Yet there is something special when a speaker makes the effort to personalize materials, don’t you think?

With the heavy fall and holiday party season nearly upon us, here are a few guidelines I hope will become a habit whenever responding to any invitation:

How soon should I respond to an invitation?
Always respond within a week of receiving the invitation. Certainly respond no later than the due date stated on the invitation or reply card.

After accepting an invitation, what if something comes up at the last minute and I can’t attend?
Never be a no-show. If it’s unavoidable, call—even at the last minute—and leave a message on voicemail, email, or text. Then call the next day to apologize to the organizer directly, and even in some cases send a personal email note (or by regular mail is best for social invitations), expressing your regret for not attending.

What if I did not respond to an invitation, but realize I want to attend at the last minute?
Never show up to a party or event unannounced. Contact the organizers by both email and telephone, saying, “I know I didn’t respond by the due date. I wasn’t sure until now I could attend. By chance is there still space available?” This way the host is free to invite you, or to tell you they are at capacity and cannot accept your reservation. This avoids wasting your time and energy going to the event, only to be turned away, or appearing as though you were a party crasher. Further, it can be most embarrassing to be seen by friends who are attending, only to have to leave.

I responded to an event where I said I would pay at the door, but then I decided not to attend.  Do I still have to pay?
Remember, when withdrawing your attendance at the last minute (generally within a week and certainly within 72 hours of the event date), you are still responsible for your remittance, except perhaps…

In a third scenario, someone may call you to say they do indeed expect your remittance. Given this, agree to send in your money. That’s etiquette!

Do I have to reply to invitations that ask for money to attend?
It is not necessary to respond to public invitations requiring you to pay money to attend. That said, when someone you know on the event committee attaches a personal note, it is a nice courtesy to respond with an email when you are unable to attend. It not only shows you care, but it also serves to stay in touch with that person.

For your amusement: I recently read an article about R.S.V.P.s, where the author Rand Richards Cooper had this to say… “Left over from a time when graciousness couched demands as requests, the R.S.V.P. no longer functions. I therefore propose an update, something still French but a bit more … frank — the R.V.O.M.: Répondez Vite — ou Mourez!  For those friends of mine who plead a lack of high school French, allow me to translate. Respond Quickly, or Die!

Happy Practicing!