Have you ever felt wronged and been tempted to get back at someone, to blame them, or even seek vengeance? It recently happened to me, and it reminded me of an invaluable lesson I’d like to share as this month’s tip. 

Blaming someone and seeking revenge will never bring about a resolution. It will only create more pain and ripple out to damage relationships, reputations, and peace of mind for everyone who becomes involved.

Here’s what happened to me: 

Recently, I shared my views on a sensitive matter with a friend I’ve known for over 30 years. Wanting to avoid confrontation, I chose to send an email instead of meeting face-to-face, which I knew wasn’t the best choice.

Yet, I made every effort to compose the email with kindness and honesty, apologized for the hurt I caused, and invited the person to be my guest to “Yum cha” (a Chinese expression to have tea) to heal the relationship.

The response was something totally unexpected and downright shocking. Instead of dialogue, I received an anonymous third-party reply filled with profane name-calling, words of hatred, and false accusations that I was being untruthful about the topic of discussion. I have yet to hear from the person I originally wrote to; I have only received responses from an unknown third party, who had no involvement in the situation.  

Worse yet, it appears that rumors are now circulating about me, advising others to stay away from me. It has been painful; yet, it has been most clarifying in many ways.

What this means

We live in contentious times where it feels easier to lash out than to listen, to blame rather than to reflect and take responsibility for our actions, and always to choose a path toward resolution, rather than revenge.

This truth remains: We cannot control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond.
Our responses to all situations reveal our true character, which determines the kind of person we strive to be—a person who seeks to create healing or deepen harm.

Two Paths: A Comparison on Blame & Vengeance

• Temporary sense of control and/or superiority when lashing out at the other person
• Broken trust and relationships through profane and hurtful words
• Damaged reputation (the negativity reflects more on the person spreading it than anyone else)
• Increased stress, resentment, and unhappiness for all, for life
• A cycle of conflict continues to perpetuate that may never end, until the person who created the cycle of revenge ceases their actions and makes amends among all who became involved.

Path of Responsibility & Forgiveness

• Healthier relationships built on mutual respect that, over time, heal all wounds
• Greater personal peace and freedom, knowing the right actions were taken to reconcile
• A reputation for fairness and maturity requires us to be responsible for all our words and actions.
• Lower stress, better health, and deeper resilience
• A cycle of growth, healing, and a stronger community

When laid out side by side, the choice becomes clear!

8 Tips for Handling Conflict with Grace
1.           Pause before reacting – Give yourself time to cool down.
2.           Choose the right setting – Hard talks deserve face-to-face or phone conversations.
3.           Own your part – Be honest with yourself… A sincere apology goes further than excusations, blame, and revenge.
4.           Speak respectfully – No amount of mean-spiritedness, profanity, name-calling, or spreading vicious lies will ever help heal anything.
5.           Seek solutions, not blame – Focus on moving forward with positivity and love.
6.           Keep it private – Don’t drag uninvolved people into the issue. This will only produce more unnecessary hurt and harm to all who become unnecessarily involved.   
7.           Practice forgiveness – Release bitterness for your own peace.
8.           Model civility – Show others that maturity and kindness are always possible.

Moving Forward
Every conflict presents a choice: Escalate or Heal? Harden or Grow?
Ask yourself:
•             Do I want to fuel more pain—or break the cycle?
•             Do I want bitterness—or peace?
•             Do I want to leave behind damage—or a legacy of forgiveness?

The happier, healthier, wiser choice is always the same: love, growth, and civility.

Thank you for allowing me to share this most personal story and lessons learned.  May this article help you whenever conflicts arise in your life… “where there is a will, there is a way”…  May you choose the right way.

Happy Practicing!