Each year, especially in December, I get calls from the media asking my opinion about gift-giving practices. Here are a few of the most often asked questions:
(To preface, please keep in mind that by the very nature of the word “gift,” it is not a mandatory practice. Gift-giving is a display of how much you care about a person, the occasion, and is something given from the heart… within your capabilities. Never go into debt just to “keep up appearances.” It’s not about how much you spend, but all about how much you care. A small gift is better than no gift, and using the economy or lack of funds is never a reason or excuse. Nice $1 gifts are available when you take the time to find them.)
1. My mother thinks it is bad manners to give away a gift someone gave me. What do you think?
This is how I used to think as well. I thought I was being inconsiderate and uncaring of the person who gave me the gift if I disposed of it in any way. For years I kept all sorts of items boxed in a closet, never to be used. Now I think differently. Once I receive a gift, it belongs to me to do with as I please. I may throw it way, exchange it, and even give it away to someone else I think will enjoy and appreciate it. The only major caution is never to give the gift to someone even remotely related to the original gift giver.
2. I hate the gifts my relatives give me each year. Is it okay to ask for cash for Christmas and birthdays?
I don’t think it is appropriate to ask for cash, generally. Instead, you could make the request as it relates to something purposeful. Here’s an example: A relative of mine asked everyone in the family to please only give her cash gifts for all occasions, because she was saving up to buy a new car. A couple of years later, she finally got her car and then sent everyone a nice thank-you note with a photo of herself, standing in front of the car. It made me feel good to have contributed money to something that was real and meaningful.
3. I was recently invited to a wedding to which I am unable to attend. Do I still have to give a gift?
Whenever you are invited to attend a special event that has a custom of gift-giving (a birthday, shower, bar or bat mitzvah, etc.), depending on how close you are and feel to the person and how much you want to show that you care, it is always a nice gesture to send a gift, regardless of your attending the actual event. Put yourself in the reverse position: Wouldn’t you think more fondly of a person who sends you a gift, even when that person didn’t attend your event? We all love receiving gifts.
4. I am about to be married to a man who has been married twice before, as have I, and we both have been single for a number of years. We truly don’t want anything more for our household and tiny apartment, such as more kitchen gadgets and miscellaneous dishware we will never use. Is it OK to ask guests to simply give us cash to help pay for the wedding and our honeymoon?
The key whenever asking for a cash gift is to make it meaningful and purposeful. It is not appropriate to simply ask for open-ended cash. To me it gives the impression I will be subsidizing your general expenses. It is also inappropriate to ask people to pay to attend your wedding. However, to donate toward a specific honeymoon trip is a bit different. Have checks made payable to the travel company, as though it was yet another wedding gift registry you have chosen. Also, while on the trip, take a few special photos or have fun gathering a batch of small mementos of the trip to send each donor when you return, along with your thank-you notes for all wedding gifts.
5. I am planning to attend a wedding where the bride and groom have specifically stated they want gifts from one of their gift registries. Everything listed is way beyond what I want to spend. What should I do?
Purchase a gift card to the store at which they have registered, in an amount you feel comfortable giving. Enclose a positive message about your desire to help contribute toward a particular, higher-priced item you saw listed.
6. I’ve been invited to a friend’s house for dinner. Do I have to bring a gift?
It is always a nice gesture to bring a small hostess or house gift whenever invited to someone’s home for dinner. Among the most common items are a bottle of wine, box of fine chocolates, bouquet of flowers, a coffee table book, or something from your own hometown, area, or country.
NOTE: When giving wine, make sure the host can actually drink it. When giving flowers, make sure they are not of a variety or color the receiver will not appreciate, because of their religion or other cultural norms. Coffee table books should be on a subject you know the receiver will enjoy. When giving an item from your home area, find items locally made versus giving an item “Made in China” to someone in China. Although the Chinese understand how most items these days are made in China, an item truly produced from your specific area will be best received.
7. I recently held a dinner party where several people gave me gifts. Do I have to send a thank-you note for these gifts and if I do, can I do it by email?
Guests bring house/hostess gifts as an expression of appreciation for having been invited to your home for dinner. As such, it is not as required that you send a thank-you note, as it would be for a regular gift. However, it is never wrong to send someone a nice note of appreciation (in this case even by email) especially for an extra special gift received.
8. My friend believes it’s totally tacky to give people gift cards for any reason. I don’t think so, especially when I don’t really know the person to whom I have to give a gift. What do you think?
When I was growing up my parents believed it was tacky to give gift certificates, because in those days the only kind of gift certificates possible were from certain department stores, where the person had to go to the store to purchase the certificate anyway. Why not just purchase a gift, they reasoned? It was perceived as a lazy person’s way to give a gift.
However, in today’s time, it is quite different. Gift cards are now available for an ever-increasing variety of items and services, in stores and online. The main consideration is to choose a gift card that the person will enjoy using. To me, giving a generic Visa, MasterCard or American Express gift card is not as valued as one that is a bit more specific. If you do give a generic gift card, the amount should be larger than perhaps a more specific gift card. To me, a $10 Borders gift card appears better than a $10 Visa gift card.
Additionally, think about whether the store is a good match for the amount you choose to spend. As much as I would love a gift card to Tiffany’s, a $10 gift card may be of little or no use, since most items in that store are valued much higher. I would be required to put out my own funds just to use your $10 gift card.
For other gift-giving tips, see these past articles:
— Gift-Giving and Receiving: https://www.advancedetiquette.com/blog/life/gift-giving-and-receiving
— Re-Gifting Etiquette: https://www.advancedetiquette.com/blog/life/re-gifting-etiquette
— Year Round ABW Approach to Gift-Giving: https://www.advancedetiquette.com/blog/life/abw-to-gift-giving
QUESTION OF THE MONTH: Submit questions and thoughts you may have on this important topic of gift-giving practices. I’d enjoy hearing from you and will be happy to reply.
Happy December, Happy Practicing, and Happy Holidays to You and All!
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If I buy a rather costly Easter basket for my niece can I ask them if I could keep it for next year!
Janny: Technically, if it is a gift, a giftgiver cannot ask for it back. Once given, it belongs to the person receiving the gift. Instead, if you choose to purchase a nice basket and offer to “lend’ it to someone to use and ask for it back for safekeeping to reuse in future years, then that’s fine.
Each year I send a distant cousin, age 72, a Christmas gift. We were once close, when I was a child.
One year I sent steaks and some breaded meat items.
My cousin called to thank me.
But then informed me his wife had celiac disease and can not eat the breaded items, but he can eat them.
So I suggested his wife eat the other non breaded steaks.
I then asked if she could drink wine or eat chocolate. He said yes. He discussed red wine, and I thought they liked red wine.
The next year, I sent 5 bottles of upscale red wine and a bottle of scotch imported from Scotland.
My cousin calls and thanks me, but then mentions his wife prefers white wine, although she will sometimes drink red. It's not her favorite, And that neither like scotch.
I recommended that they serve the scotch to house guests.
Another year, I sent a gift tower of an assortment of chocolates. Some had walnuts. My cousin mentions his wife does like walnuts. But he likes them.
I proposed his wife eat the other chocolates in the assortment.
I have never met his wife. They live clear across the country.
They both send a homemade box of cookies, to me, each year, that my cousin says he makes and is wife helps
I always enjoy the cookies, even though a particular type of cookie, may not exactly be my favorite type, I never mention that.
I simply thank them profusely for their homemade gift.
My problem is that my cousin's complaining about the wife's, particular tastes in food, is starting to greatly annoy me.
I think he should keep it to himself.
.
It's at the point, where I may stop sending them a gift at all because each time they call to thank me, there is another complaint about my choices.
As mentioned, I never met his wife.
Am I being too sensitive?
Heather: You are indeed a good person to keep up a tradition that has obviously shifted due to new circumstances. I applaud your friend for always be in touch to thank you for the gift. In my view, where he went wrong was in contradicting himself. To share preferences is fine, and it is clear you made attempts to provide gifts they would enjoy within the parameters set.
Have you considered giving a gift certificate, instead? In the note, you could share how he has told you about the many restrictions and preferences they have, so you thought the best thing was to only send a gift card, so they could choose the best items they would enjoy. Among the choices can be a wine certificate to a store they can either order and ship online or redeem in a store. If he complains about the gift card, then I might consider not sending gifts. With what you have written, it is clear they are in general complainers, and not appreciators (if this is a proper word.)
Curious: Why have the gifts always food and wine? There are tons of other items to give. Also, historically in many cultures giving food is is a major faux pas. Giving gifts of food is perceived you think they are hungry and without funds to buy their own food. I recognize today, especially inthe U.S., it can be perceived as an added treat, which you seem to have carefully chosen upscale items.
My husband has worked for our landlord for 8 years now I have just started to work for him myself A tenant moved out recently and and left a large shelving unit our landlord said look I don't want it I don't need it to take it home well unbeknownst to us when he rented the unit he gave it to the new tenant how am I supposed to feel about that what was the what's the proper etiquette here cuz I just don't understand
Hello Diane, and readers:
I recognize this is a post from over a year ago that I did not see until now, which means this is a situaiton that has long passed. Yet, I thought it was worth posting a reponse for future consideration.
It’s understandable how unsettling this must have been; to the point, it took me a couple of readings to grasp it all. If I understand things, your landlord originally gave you the impression that the shelving unit was yours to take home, and naturally you took him at his word. Then finding out he gave it to the new tenant feels contradictory and understandably disappointing.
In terms of etiquette, I would frame this as a miscommunication rather than any malice. I would either let it go, or nicely ask the landlord if he forgot or had a change of mind when he gave the shelving to the new tenant. That way you protect your own sense of fairness without creating conflict at work or at home. I sincerely hope all was well following this situation.
I rec'd a nice gift which I very much appreciate. I have loaned that gift to a friend (ipad) to do a project on. The giver is really upset that I loaned my gift. Was I wrong??
Hello Donna: Thanks for the question.
Technically, once a person gives away a gift, it no longer belongs to that person and you can choose to do with it as you wish. This includes loaning it out to someone else. Nevertheless, we must always be sensitive to comments shared by anyone.
I can only imagine the primary question the gift-giving friend may have: When will you get the iPad back? Sometimes, when we loan items to friends, we never see them in our homes again. I think what’s important is to reassure the gift-giving friend this loan is temporary and only for a specified period… which should be outlined with the person to whom you loaned the iPad in the first place, and that you only wanted to be helpful to another friend in need. I cannot fault the gift-giving friend who gave you a most generous gift, who only wants to protect their investment and the integrity in giving it to you. Good luck!
I liked it when you mentioned that we can give a gift that is useful for everyone. My sister will be celebrating her 35th birthday in April so I need to give her a gift. I am hoping to find a shop tomorrow morning where I can purchase a genuine leather card holder for women that has the perfect amount of storage to keep cards and coins.
Hailey: Thanks for writing. Your gift sounds like an item most anyone would enjoy. That said, I would keep cards and coins in different holders, so as not to mess up the cards from looking pristine. Happy Practicing!
A friend of mine brought me a gift for my birthday but took it back since it didn’t fit, now he is asking me to pay for the difference for the new gift, the value of the gift is far less than I have spent on gifts and birthday presents, I feel that this is disrespectful and it’s been almost 2 months now since my birthday and I am still waiting for the answer for the amount and the gift, is this okay to ask for money by my friend and how should I handle it best, especially since the birthday present my friend is asking for his upcoming birthday is expensive as well?
Hello Rob: Wow! This is an unusual situation. There are a number of items I don’t know. Among the many questions going through my mind… Why didn’t you just keep the gift and exchange it yourself? Why did the gift-giver take the gift back and what were the conversations that led to the gift-giver thinking he could ask and you would pay any difference in cost?
Gift-Giving basics are 1. Once a gift is given by the gift-giver it belongs to the gift recipient to keep as they choose. 2. Once a gift is received, the gift recipient has full right to do as s/he chooses, including in extreme, tossing it. 3. Your situation was a choice to return the gift back to the gift-giver. Therefore, this should have been where it ended, back to square one. The gift-giver could do as s/he chooses with the original item, and should not be asking for funds from the gift recipient. It a replacement cost most, the choice is up to the gift-giver to pay the higher price, or not.
Rob: I and happy to assist you more directly on this if you would please give me a call at 415-346-3665 or write me a direct email to info@advancedetiquette.com to explain the situation more specifically. The key is never to make anyone feel they have been rude or disrespectful, no matter what. Maintaining your friendship should be tantamount. Good luck!
We are in a service ministry( not paid). We get gifts from the paid staff each year. We have given them a gift in return but we are getting gifts even when we don't return a gift.
Help.
We get lots of food gifts that we don't even like/ enjoy. Any advice how to stop this.
We don't want to seem ungrateful but want to stop this.
Thank you,
Maureen
Merry: Gifts are generally given from the heart. When someone gives a gift, the most and best way to show appreciation is to write a thoughtful, handwritten thank-you note, sent by regular mail. A return gift is unnecessary from you. There are other ways the original gift-giver can show appreciation, so do suggest moving forward the person might choose one of those ways to give as the gift.
I thoughtfully purchased a battery powered vacuum for my sister's birthday thinking it would make things easier for her. It was the most expensive gift I've ever given her. When she told me she gave it to her grown daughter, my feelings were hurt. I did not make the purchase for her daughter. Should I feel this way? I'm thinking I'm wasting my time trying to buy gifts for my sister,
Hello Annalyn: I understand how you feel. It’s happened to me where I’ve given something I chose specifically for a friend and she gave it away without in my mind the courtesy of letting me know.
Technically, once a gift is given, it belongs to the other person to do as they choose, including tossing it.
That said, this matter is done.
Yes, it would have been nice to have been (especially from a close relative or friend) alerted your gift was being given to your niece. I think you would have been disappointed, yet feeling better about it. The hurt is not having been consulted, right? Had your sister said: “Thank you for your thoughtful gift; however, I hope you won’t mind, I’m going to give the vacuum cleaner to my daughter (your niece), who needs it more than I do.”
At this point, all you can do is share your honest feelings about what transpired and ask your sister to please let you know moving forward, whenever a gift is not something she wants to keep to please give you the choice of allowing her to regift it away, or take it back to buy her something else she will like. Last, for such a significant gift, you could also have asked her first, as in, “Say, I am planning to buy you this (show image) cordless vacuum cleaner to make life easier for you. Would this be something you’d enjoy having?” Good luck!
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. It has helped my feelings. I also think your advice was good. I appreciate your time in reaching out.
Annalyn
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My daughter’s grandmother gave her a gift, but it wasn’t the one she wanted. Although, the grandmother knew which one she wanted. So we exchanged it for the one she wanted, and that matched her room and curtains. The grandmother was offended and extremely hurt. It seems odd to me that now they are not speaking to each other simply because of a gift exchange. (They aren’t speaking because of the way the grandmother spoke to her and the things she said to her). Please offer some advise, as I’m perplexed. Thanks!
Monica: It is regrettable how situations cause people to cease all communications. From what I gather, it was the daughter who cut conversations with the grandmother, because of the way the grandmother spoke to her. If this is the case, I would suggest the daughter make amends with the grandmother by sending her a nice handwritten note (or email) asking the grandmother to forgive her for ceasing the communications, and explain (in a positive manner) why she broke off communications and how she would like to make amends and move past this incident. Bottom-line: It isn’t good to prolong negative situations among family that could escalate, over something that was much less significant. Hope this helps. If not, please email me directly for further discussion.