Not to get too deep, yet bluntly put…why do we humans spend so much energy being mean and hurtful to others… often starting at an early age and lasting a lifetime?
Lately, subscribers and others have shared personal stories and asked questions about how to handle family and friends during the holidays. This time of year, we should be focused on being grateful for what we have and spreading goodwill… Right?
Yet people tell me all kinds of hurtful stories of which I will share only three. Most of us, including myself, have similar stories, so let’s see if any of these sound familiar:
- A mother has not spoken to her daughter due to a disagreement that took place years ago. Now the daughter is having a baby shower for her first child. The mother sent out an alert to the entire family that they should not attend the shower, just because the two of them are alienated.
- A father disowned his son at the age of 17, because the son chose to leave the household instead of staying to undergoing therapy. Then, 20 years later, the son dies unexpectedly in a auto accident. The father sends out an alert to the entire family not to attend the funeral, because he disowned his son years ago.
- A large immediate and extended family group have been close since childhood. They have spent most major holidays together for 30+ years. Then one cousin became angry with another cousin. The elder of the two cousins sent out a notice to everyone that the other cousin is banished from attending all future gatherings, including his wife and three kids.
I could go on and on about all the stories I’ve heard and experienced, where one person gets angry with another, and suddenly everyone they both know becomes involved. It is not right that such situations be allowed to perpetuate. Life is short and especially family relationships are precious and should be cherished… mostly because there are so many people in the world who do not have anyone they can call family.
Family relationships must be nurtured, no differently than relationships among friends who are not blood related. Why is it, when interacting with friends we can easily let bygones be bygones, agree to disagree, and pledge never to bring up specific subjects when together? So why can’t we do the same with our relatives?
Sure, I get it that in the heat of a situation, it may be best to disconnect for a period. However—as in the stories shared above—the cooling off period has passed long ago.
To start the healing process, the individuals who are alienated need to release other family members affected by their selfish notices of not contacting the person they deleted from their lives. The original situation had nothing to do with the other relatives, who should be free to see whomever they choose. Families shouldn’t be like the Hatfields and the McCoys, if you know what I mean.
If you are involved in a family altercation, say “I’m sorry,” even when it may not have been something you started or caused. The intent is more about being sorry for allowing the situation to perpetuate so long, especially when it’s been years!
If the person is amenable to forgiving and forgetting, that’s great. However, if the other person doesn’t respond to your goodwill, at least you know you tried and are open to reconciling in the future, if the other person is willing.
Friendships of every kind are important in life. Medically, they enhance our health and well-being. Personally, they help us move through life, not feeling as alone, especially in our senior years.
Here’s the tip for this month: Make every effort this holiday season to communicate and make amends with individuals you’ve not seen or talked with for years. Send the person an email, call the person by telephone, or make a personal visit. Be the one who extends a new hand of goodwill and friendship first. Set a course of being grateful for those family members and friends in your life. Do not be the person who prolongs the hurtfulness any longer, especially when you have involved other people. Release them from their punishments that initially had nothing to do with them.
Good luck! Let me know how it goes.
Happy Holidays!