As I mature (versus getting older) the death of someone I know or love becomes increasingly heartfelt and difficult. In this past year I have attended more funeral services, memorials, and celebrations of life than I care to think about. Yet, with each event, certain situations have revealed themselves; crying out for me to write about. Let the following be a wake up call on how to attend wakes, funerals, and other memorial services, to care and respect:
1. ARRIVE ON TIME. At every funeral I attended, more than a handful of guests arrive long after the service begins… even when the service was already delayed in starting. This is totally unacceptable. It is each guest’s responsibility to arrive on time. This means taking into consideration the availability of parking and any unforeseen traffic delays.
It is not acceptable to say you were delayed due to a ball game. My husband Ron keeps both the S.F. Giants and 49er at-home schedules on his bulletin board to check whenever we must drive past the area of the ball park to reach an event or appointment. It is all about caring more about others than yourself. Being late shows your lack of respect and selfishness. Arrive no closer than 10 to 8 minutes ahead of the appointed time. If you do arrive late, be quiet in all you do. Do not hold conversations with other guests. Respectfully wait until an appropriate break in the service to enter the room to take a seat.
2. TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE. A while back, I attended a funeral where at the beginning of the service, someone’s cell phone sounded. The person allowed their cell phone to ring all four times-through to voicemail-before it became silent. Now, you would think this was a wake-up call to other guests to check their phones. Unfortunately, four other cell phones rang, the last of which was during the final prayer. Need I say more? Make it a habit to check and turn your cell phone to silent, vibrate mode, or off before entering any meeting, restaurant, theatre, or event.
3. WEAR PROPER ATTIRE. In Western culture, the proper color to wear at funerals has been black. While black is still best, especially for the immediate family of the deceased, guests have more options. They should still wear subdued, conservative clothing that is respectful to the event. Wearing jeans or the same clothes you would wear to a back-yard barbecue shows a great lack of care and respect for the person who has died, their family, and others. Everyone should have at least one nice set of clothes to wear for special occasions.
Colors to avoid include red, orange, and yellow and anything that has bright and cheery flowers or other bold and loud patterns. Wear clean, neat, well-pressed clothes. Men should wear a dark jacket with dark slacks, dark dress shoes, white or plain solid colored shirt, and a subdued tie. For younger men, the minimum should be a well-pressed solid-colored shirt, slacks, and dress shoes. Women should wear a dark or black suit, pant suit, or similar outfit that is subdued.
The key here is to have at least one good set of clothes for occasions like these. If you don’t, buy something… even at Goodwill. Never wear the same old wrinkled shirt, blue jeans, flip-flops, sandals, or sneakers. One of my pet peeves is how parents allow their children to wear sloppy clothes and jeans to special events such as weddings and funerals, rather than appropriate clothing.
4. SEND A MESSAGE OF SYMPATHY. It is often awkward to know what to say to a parent, spouse, or other immediate family member when someone passes away. It’s always nice to send a message of sympathy, whether by email, fax, or by regular mail. It shows you care and are sympathetic.
Unless you are part of the family and are extremely close, do not call them… especially between the death of their loved one and any service or event being planned. It is an extremely stressful period. Emails and messages sent by regular mail are much less intrusive.
When expressing your feelings, be genuine with your words. Do not sound like you are using “canned” phrases copied from a commercially printed sympathy card. Among the phrases to avoid are:
— It’s awful, but when your time is up, it’s up
— I know how you feel
— Be sure to stay busy, they say it is the best way through this
— At least he went peacefully
— Know that he’s in a better place now
— You must stay strong through this
— This was probably a blessing in disguise rather than to continue suffering
— At least he is no longer in pain
— It’s truly sad he died so young
— Only the good die young
5. SEND A GIFT OR CONTRIBUTION. Historically flowers have been the tradition to send to bereaved family’s home or funeral home, today if you wish to express your feelings beyond a written message of sympathy, do not automatically send flowers for the funeral or a live plant for the person’s home. Instead, contact the funeral home or a family member to confirm this is something they will prefer and enjoy. Many people now choose donations to their favorite charities, over flowers.
6. RESPECT THE FAMILY’S WISHES. Do not criticize the process leading up to the funeral or the event itself. Rituals and styles have shifted in recent years whereby they are not as formal or ritualistic as in the “old days.” Families may choose not to adhere to certain historic customs. Focus on the positive aspects, not the negative.
7. OBSERVE CULTURAL, RELIGIOUS, AND OTHER PRACTICES. When invited to an observance for someone who is from a culture or faith with which you are less familiar, ask someone about it or go on the web to learn what will be taking place during the event and what you may be expected to do. Doing research will help you be more relaxed and comfortable when certain practices take place. By knowing ahead of time you can participate and enjoy the experience more fully.
8. BRINGING SMALL CHILDREN. If you choose to bring young children to a funeral, brief them ahead of time about the importance of what they are attending. Set aside practice time to learn how to whisper and sit quietly for long periods of time; to demonstrate to you that they are matured enough to attend this important event. Bottom-line is if your child is unable to whisper or sit quietly for 45-60 minutes at home, it may be best to hire a babysitter for a few hours, rather than cause disturbances at the event.
BONUS: For additional information, read “What Can I Say?”, an article on how to support the grieving. It is on the Web at: http://russmonroes.com/what-can-i-say/
Question: What other items do you have to add to this list? Do let us hear from you by locating this article at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/blog. You may also reach us at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com. If you enjoyed this article and want more, subscribe to our “Etiquette Tip of the Month” newsletter—at no charge—filled with great monthly tips on all sorts of topics from international business and social etiquette and protocol to everyday life subjects. It will be great to have you as a member of our happy family of subscribers at www.AdvancedEtiquette.com/subscribe.
Happy Practicing!
In the days following my husband’s death. I began to dread the question, “How are you?” The answer was obvious… I wasn’t very good, but most people don’t want to hear that. Also, in those emotionally charged days I never knew if I could get the answer out without falling apart. One day I bumped into an acquaintance, who had lost her husband a few months ahead of me, and she said, “I am very glad to see you,” while touching my forearm gently. It occured to me that I did not have to say anything except, “thank you.” I now use that phrase when I see people who have lost loved ones.
Understanding proper etiquette to console someone who is grieving is an important attribute to have. People will be born and people will die and learning what is appropriate can help console others in a time of loss. My favorite tip is to turn off your cell phone. One way to show you are fully attentive and there for someone else is to give full and undivided attention. I truly appreciate friends who have dropped everything to help me when I have grieved over losses in my life.
i am 81 years old…i am going to a funeral for my wifes 1st cousin….the funeral will be in peoria arizona and the temperature will be in the 100’s…..i cannot stand the heat….is it proper to wear black dress pants, black shoes and a white collared short sleeve shirt?…js
Jerry: Black dress pants, black shoes, and a white collared short sleeve shirt with a blazer jacket or suit jacket would be fine. The key is you should wear a jacket during the actual service; however, during the reception that may follow is fine to then take the jacket off. I’ve only seen it in Hawaii might you not wear a jacket and short sleeves. Then perhaps wearing a tie in lieu of a jacket would be appropriate.
Jerry, I know the time has long since passed, but my advice to anyone who is 81 and is in a hot climate would be that your white shirt, black/navy dress pants, and black shoes would be fine. You might consider a tie. The family will be grateful that you attended, and no one wants you to become ill or faint.
Thanks for the information! My friend’s mom died a few days ago, so I’m going to her funeral to support my friend and his family. I’ve never been to a funeral before, so I’m not sure about what the protocol is for attendees. Respecting cultural and religious practices during a funeral is a very good point. My friend’s family practice Buddhism, so it seems like a good idea to find out if there’s anything that I should know about ceremonial practices to avoid offending anyone.
I thought all these etiquette tips were very appropriate. I think respecting the family’s wishes is on the top of the list. Everyone grieves differently and each family views a funeral differently and so communication of support is so important. These are are a good reminder for me.
Excellent tips that were provided for acting appropriately at a funeral service. I have yet to be one but I’m sure that it would be very respectful to pay my respects with simple things. Such as giving the a small gift or just expressing my sympathy to the family.
This may sound odd, but I collect vintage handkerchiefs, and when I greet the widow or mother, etc, of the deceased, I press a clean, pressed, beautiful hankie into her hand. It’s much nicer than the wadded up tissue she is probably holding, and it’s a reminder of my sympathy for her.
That is one of the sweetest and nicest gestures i have heard of in a long time!
As a parent who has lost a child, I can positively tell you that it DOES NOT matter what you wear. Do you think I even remotely remember what someone was wearing at my sons funeral??? The ONLY thing that mattered to me was you had the decency to come. Do I remember you being there, probably not.
Tammie: I understand your comment having attended both my parent’s funerals. I suppose the perspective is from a point of view of being respectful of the event and to everyone attending. I know for a fact people do notice, including the bereaved. Thanks for writing.
I person submitted this by email: Don’t corner the bereaved and ask for certain items the deceased owned. For example: My neighbor showed up and asked for Dad’s car!!!!!
I’m going to a native american memorial service Saturday and being a non native american womanI do not know the traditional colors to wear if any. Can someone please help me with this.
Karen: Whenever I am seek information, the Internet is always a great place to start. Also, it’s fine to ask someone from that culture about what will be appropriate to wear and what will be taking place at the service. In many cultures wearing bright colors, especially red, is “not” as appropriate. Personally, I would wear neutral, solid colors, including medium blues, grays, or black. In the Asian culture, white is the color of death.
My Wife and I will be attending a Funeral of her work Colleague Partner. All I have is a grey suit white shirt and a black ties with black shoes. Is that going to be okay or should i go and buy a black suite.
Indy G: What you have should be fine. The traditional consideration is not to wear red or other bright colors.
I think the tips are great but honestly. I think you wear what you can within reason. I have been to funerals where the best outfits some of the attendees had were jeans and cowboy boots. Who cares what you wear really? You’re there to pay respects to the dead and support the living left behind. I agree don’t show up in a bikini but don’t go broke buying an entirely new outfit that is just silly. Maybe I am less judgmental than most but I think the fact that you show up to any funeral at all means that the person who died meant something to you or their family did. Dress as appropriately as possible but don’t stress over it.
Rene: I do agree with your comments. However, in many instances, people where clothes without any respect or care in situations they could have cared better. What then is of equal importance is to wear clean and neat clothes, not something that is dirty or tattered.
Preparing your children is probably for the services sounds like a really good idea. At a young age, they may not fully grasp what is going on with the ceremony. Helping them show the respect the ceremony will make life easier for you and everyone around you during the services. Thanks for posting these great tips for everyone to see.
Being observant of religious customs is really important if you ask me. What I would do is maybe prepare a little bit by doing some research and getting an idea of what to expect. This way, there won’t be any shocking parts of the ceremony that you weren’t prepared for. Thanks for posting these awesome tips!
A family member attended calling hours for the sister of my grandmother. She was very upset because after standing in line by the casket for a very long time, she was never approached by the family. She was caught standing there for so long because the line had been held up. From what I had been told the bereaving family held conversations with other people and even skipped her in line to talk to other people. Relations had been strained between my grandmother and sister so these two sides of the families had never mixed. She left feeling snubbed and very upset. What is the best way to approach this? Should she feel snubbed or should she approach this with the mindset that she went to support the family but something happened, a misunderstanding for example? What kind of mindset should someone have when attending calling hours?
Katherine: Regrettably do not have any comment about how to approach this situation. I can’t say whether your family member should or should not feel snubbed. This much I can say is some things are best left alone and should not cause any further anxiety. However, if this is something you cannot leave alone, the best approach is to call someone who knows all parties involved to share your feelings and ask for advice. As to the mindset for anyone attending a wake or calling hours, it should be with all the best memories and feelings of the deceased.
On Wednesday, I will be attending my cousin’s funeral, which will be the first one that I have ever attended. I would love to send a gift to his family, but I’m not too sure about flowers. Flowers are beautiful, but they don’t last very long. What are other common things that are given as gifts at funerals?
Faylinn: Gifts for funerals are guided by the culture of the deceased. In some cultures a donation to the deceased favorite charity is welcomed; others give flowers; and others give even money to help with funeral expenses. What is most universally appropriate is a note/card to share in your sorrow over the loss of your friend/relative. When in doubt, you can ask a relative or good friend what would be most appropriate.
Excellent write-up. I definitely appreciate this website. Keep writing!
When President Reagan died, I watched the funeral with my step-mother, an extraordinarily poised and educated woman, and an etiquette professional. She was aghast when a female approached the casket in a pant suit, insisting that a skirt or dress was the only polite choice. I’m sure some will respond that “times change”. Times may change however, civility never should.
I live in a different country that what I grew up in. When my father passed away some people at the funeral thought it was a good time to ‘catch up’ and proceeded to tell me about her family etc etc etc. which, of course meant that I was not able to talk to some special people at the funeral because they could not attend the refreshment/get together after. I think not only do we need to know what to say and what not to say but be mindful that it is not ‘catch up’ time if you have not seen the person for some time. Or lament that you have been out of contact for a period of time.
It's good to know that this article encouraged its readers to wear conservative and subdued clothing to funerals. I think it's a way to offer respect to the deceased and their family. I'll be sure to remind every relative to wear black or any dark shade to the memorial once we're able to find cremation services for my aunt.
Zoe: To remind, it all depends on the culture of the deceased whether wearing black or perhaps white is the appropriate color to wear. Thanks for taking a moment to write.
I like that you mentioned that some families choose to donate to their favorite charities instead of taking flowers. My mother-in-law is rather ill and we don't think that she is going to be with us much longer. I think she would love the idea of people donating to her favorite charity in her name.
Beverly: Flowers help to brighten a funeral place and home. It is now a trend that the immediate family provides the flowers for the event and all others are asked to donate to the deceased person’s favorite charity in their name.
My brother-in-law passed away, and that is why we're currently looking for the best memorial service. Well, you are also right that it would be best to ask everyone to turn off their cellphones during the whole ceremony. We'll keep in mind to have everyone wear the necessary outfit too.
Thank you for your post. My sympathies on your loss. Write anytime you have questions… All the best!
Thank you for explaining you should avoid colors such as red, orange, and yellow and anything that has bright and cheery flowers or other bold and loud patterns when attending a funeral. I didn't know that wearing this color at a funeral may appear offensive. I think we should coordinate with funeral services about the proper etiquette, especially when holding a funeral.
Thanks for pointing out that any bright and cheery colors should be avoided. I will keep that in mind when I visit my friend's funeral service once they find the company they can trust for their grandmother. I heard about this news just this evening when another friend messaged me to schedule when we'll visit together once they post the details.
Mia: Thanks for your comment and for finding the article helpful. Yes, for individuals who are more senior, traditions may be more important. However, I heard about another Celebration of Life event where the organizers asked everyone to wear party clothes because it was, after all, a Celebration of the person’s life, and not a funeral.